A little catch up

Realizing I haven't posted since February reminds me that a little catching up would be nice.

Here's a timeline:

February:

• IVF the week of February 9th.  Implementation on February 14th.  Spending Valentine's Day on my back has a whole new meaning.
• Phone message from hospital.  Hubs and I listened to the message in our living room, sitting on the couch, ready for bad news.  
• We're going to be parents.
• Multiple pregnancy tests.  All positive.
• IVF medication in all it's glory - including progesterone shots.

March:

• Continue IVF medication and progesterone shots.  Hubby heads out of town, call in a few favors from friends to give shot in the buttocks, and take friendships to a whole new level.
• More positive pregnancy tests.  High numbers with a possibility of multiples.
• See the baby (singular) on the monitor.  The most beautiful little blur I've ever seen.  Tears from my eyes and hubby's eyes.

April:

• Genetics referral and NIPT.  Genetics reveal it's a BOY.  
• Medication is weaned and Infertility sends us on our merry way.  Until next time.  Deuces.  

May:

• Appointments with Midwife begin.  
• That heartbeat aka the rhythm to a beautiful love song.
• I begin to "show" and wear different clothes.  Also, looks like I may have eaten Chipotle, hard to tell.  
• Finally allowed to move around a bit and "work out" again.

June:

• I discover the elastic waist band.  Genius.
• Take up a summer job in an office with A/C.  Also genius.

July:

• Continue to see the little man grow.  It's a boy.  It's a boy.  It's a boy!
• Take last vacation before becoming a mom.

August:

• Return to work and feel the first flutters in my belly.  
• Baby shower 1.
• Plan to work through 39th week.  Sounds like a good idea at the time.

September:

• Bum out the kids in my classroom since I can't play tag, but become a favorite target in Duck, Duck, Goose since I can't get up quickly.  
• Start to get awful sciatica.  Possibly from IVF scar tissue build up...?  Working out daily to fight the sciatica.
• Baby shower 2.
• Baby shower 3.
• Take labor and delivery classes.  Hubs masters the art of hand massage and hip squeeze.
• Find out the baby is breech.
• Wish I discovered the legging phase sooner.

October:

• Breech Version is successful.  Phew, no cesarean. 
• Work through my 38th week.  Realize that was a crazy idea.
• Find out I'm strep B positive = penicillin every 4 hours when i go into labor.
• Water breaks Oct. 30 @ 9:50 pm.  First contraction 10 minutes later.
• Check into hospital @ 1:00am October 31.  Silently pray child is not born on Halloween.  Publicly announce I do not want my child delivered by a nurse wearing a costume.  

November 1:

• Baby boy is born @ 2:56am.  Cesarean.  
• Fell deeper in love with hubs, now a daddy.
• Fell in love with a tiny baby.

It's a BOY

Hallelujah, it's a boy!

We had our son on November 1, 2015.  He is perfect.  He is beautiful.  He is loud.

On this Christmas I have made a few observations:

•  The song "Silent Night" seems a bit of a pipe dream or it was Mary's 2nd miracle.  
• In "Away in a Manger", the line of how the cattle are lowing and the poor baby wakes... shout out to Mary.  I realize "no crying He makes" is the rest of that sentence, but you still have a newborn with interrupted sleep... which means that Mary is also now awake and probably has to feed Jesus again or Joseph is up walking and rocking the baby and thinking about how good that noisy cow will look on his dinner plate.  
• The gift of a nap was a perfectly wonderful Christmas gift.
• After all that riding on a donkey, Mary must have been exhausted, no wonder she went into labor.  Which, I sympathize with since the minute I relaxed at the end of a long day, I did too.  That story to follow.
• Finally, it blows my mind and tears stream down my face to think God sent his son to Earth to die for mankind.  My heart broke a little when my son didn't fit into newborn clothes anymore, let alone the thought of handing him to teenagers to raise.  As I held my son this morning and listened to Christmas carols, I reflected on how precious the gift of baby Jesus really is.  It's amazing what I could "see" when I looked into my child's eyes this morning.  

"I just need a laugh"

IVF can be daunting.  It can feel heavy and sometimes constricting.  Constricting as a metaphor, not the way your pants feel with the bloating and the soreness from the shots.  So I now find myself saying the words to my husband "I just need a laugh."

Caution, when muttering these words to your husband it may cause him to perform various dance moves or sing what must be remixes to pop songs.  Consider yourself warned.

In those moments I find that Netflix and Hulu plus are great fixes.  My favorite show to turn to is The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.  I find myself laughing out loud at the jokes and the games, and find it to be a great relief from the mental whirlwind of infertility.  

My appreciation for the tonight show deepens knowing that Jimmy Fallon gets the infertility struggle and he gets it from my husband's point of view.  If you didn't know, Jimmy and his wife, Nancy, struggled with infertility for a long time and have 2 adorable little girls.  If you can find the whole interview, it's uplifting and Jimmy speaks hope.  Here is what I found on the today.com webpage:

http://www.today.com/popculture/jimmy-fallon-reveals-awful-5-year-fertility-struggle-6C10904037

Keep hoping and thank you Jimmy Fallon (and of course his lovely wife Nancy.)

Lent much?

What I want to give up for lent:

• Daily shots to the backside
• Bruising
• Anxiety
• Being on the edge of overwhelm

What I actually gave up for lent?

Facebook.  

Congrats to all the new mommies that keep popping up in my feed.  

St Gerard

A coworker lent this to me.   It is St. Gerard, the patron saint for motherhood.  

The prayer for motherhood:
O good Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and wonderworker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid.   Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God's design, helps me to do the holy will of God. Beseech the master of life, from whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring,that I may raise up of children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of his glory in the world to come. Amen.

Great uncle?

...Remember that time I told you my husband's 22 year old neice ( the one getting maried in April )  was pregnant and that I found out on instagram from his other niece... all while I was on bed rest from IVF?

No?  I know why ... that was 5 minutes ago.

Legit.

Bed rest

The 48 hours of bed rest have officially begun.   

A good Valium induced nap kills only so much time.  

I am most thankful for my new book to read.

get support

If you are reading this blog because you are heading to or through IVF, my best tip is to get support.

I avoided support from google groups, because I didn't want to spend more time thinking about my infertility.  There is too much other fun or mentally healthy places to do so.  Plus, sitting and reading is almost impossible with a cuddly, fat cat.

I avoided when people would tell me stories about "someone they know" who went through IVF, it was just one more sad story after another.  Although most ended with a hopeful note, it was still me fighting my inner monologue of "oh my God... someone get me a glass of wine...stop talking... this is depressing...oh my God... remember to nod... do I hug now?..  seriously, make it a big glass...how nice it worked out for them..."  I even had a few people offer to show me pictures of their friend's "miracles."

Aren't all children/ the conception of life, a miracle?  Moving on.

When people told me their own stories or offered up other people's phone numbers to talk to real people, that's when I felt supported.

Unless I specifically told them I don't want to talk about it, and then they continued to do so.  Balloon deflation.

It also helped to come clean.  Exposing my vulnerabilities to my friends and wearing the scarlet I was the best thing I did.  It was not easy.

The most amazing support I had was when friends came to my house and prayed and supported me in this time.  It was AMAZING!  To pray though this time, to hear truth spoken, to be reminded of me (not the me the meds create in my head) and to be washed in the love of Jesus was everything.  Everything.  I have amazing women in my life.  No, none of them have been through IVF, they are all great mommies, and they are amazing.... and they are pretty funny and make great crafts too.

Get support.  Legit support.

Twas the night before retrieval...

... and all through the house, not a creature was calm, not even my spouse.

I'm anxious.  Nervous.  Cautious.  Hopeful.  Blurred.

Today we celebrated the day "off" from medication, needles and blood work by going out to breakfast and having the forbidden coffee that we are cutting back on.  We live dangerously.

Tomorrow we check in at 6:30 for surgery at 7:30.  The orders are no food or drink after midnight, wear comfy clothes, bring warm socks and a photo ID.  Check.

Tomorrow I will be put under anesthesia and when I come to, there should be lots of viable eggs in my doctor's care.

I'm looking forward to coming home and resting.  I'm not looking forward to taking tylenol and getting a whole new regiment of medications...especially more hormones.  So help us all if there is a sappy Visa commercial on TV.

Needles: the word of the day

As I'm sitting in my acupuncture waiting room, I realized today my life revolves around needles.

After my 7:10 am blood work (needle 1), I injected one medication before heading to work. (Needle 2)

I sewed up a ripped puppy around nap time with my handy needle and thread. (Needle 3)

Acupuncture appointment  (many needles)

Tonight two more injections of medications (last 2 needles of the day).

Must be 845

How I mix cocktails now.  The new happy hour at the Wilson house.

Blood work on a Saturday

I have discovered that my new favorite thing for IVF is blood work on Saturday morning.    Parking is free and waiting room is empty.   Not one person who is trying to make chit chat.  

 Glorious.

return of the tick

Day one of injections is over and done.  Round 2 is about to begin.

As of this week I have reverted to my old nervous tick of wringing my hands.  When I catch myself, I try to put lotion in my hands to at least give the habit some purpose.

When I come through this I might not just have a baby, I could also have really soft hands. Bonus.

Ivf

My calendar is full of appointments for blood work and more. IVF officially started today...right after I wrote a check for over 10 Gs. 

Bummer Summer

The Friday before labor day, my husband and I discovered this IUI did not take.  More specifically, I had just finished my orientation for preschool.  As I was standing there answering the last few rounds of new preschool parent questions, I felt it.  Under my breath I muttered "well hot damn" and finished up.  My thoughts were confirmed when I had a chance to get away.

My husband and I feel like failures.  I am not someone who faces much failure, so this is hard to take in.  We know that we spent the entire summer taking it easy, swallowing pills, getting acupuncture, sitting in the doctor's office, avoiding alcohol, moving around schedules and more... and it has all amounted to zip.  zero. zilch.  Zrustration.  

We did decide to go out with a bang.  This labor day weekend we indulged on everything we cut out.  I had a bloody mary, chocolate, beer, cheese and even white bread.  Yes, I live dangerously.  

I am now on 2 weeks of birth control pills to delay my cycle.  Next stop, Menopur.

IUI process

I realized that I'm using the term IUI, but i haven't explained it.  Without having to go to wikipedia, I'll give you the play by play.

The basic IUI process is first heading to the infertility clinic to have a sonogram to have your ovaries checked out.  They will look at follicles, black spots on the screen, and will also check out your uterus.  At this appointment you may or may not be able to pick up your prescription.  This is an appointmentment that you should make back to back with the nurse to get instructions on how to give or receive shots.  You will probably get a practice saline shot from your partner.  Apparently, giving the shot feels like playing darts and you are the bullseye.

My prescription was a double dose of clomid, which comes with many warnings of side effects, and also the items for the trigger shot to make you ovulate.  The trigger shot includes the medication, syringe and needles.  This can be expensive too, depending on your insurance.  Just be forewarned.  I also got a prescription of estrogen to help build the uterine lining.  Estrogen apparently makes me aggressive, not weepy.  Caution.

Your next appointment will be post Clomid and will be another sonogram to check out the ovaries, follicles and uterus.  At that appointment they will decide when to give the trigger shot and when to have the IUI done.  The trigger shot and the IUI are 36 hours apart.

When you get the trigger shot, be as relaxed as you can be.  If your partner is nervous about giving the trigger shot, ask the doctor or nurse to draw a circle on your body of where the shot should go at that last appointment.  Hopefully. your trigger shot is at night and you can head to bed.  This time period can be emotionally distressing.  This is usually when I find myself frustrated that my husband and I are spending so much money and time at the doctor's while my Facebook feed pops up daily with people who are newly pregnant.

For the IUI, have your partner collect at home and then, while keeping the cup warm, together head to the doctor's.  The sperm need to be washed, collected, and put into a syringe.  In the mean time, you will get a hospital bracelet, have BP checked out and extra time to wait around and make nervous jokes with your partner.  This is also when my husband will pray over us with teary eyes and half beg for this to work.  It's hard to hear it the first time, and it gets harder with each time after that.  The plus side of this appointment, is that instead of getting the paper booties, I got real socks for my feet.  However, this excitement will wear off by the 4th time.

 When everything is ready, a long tube is inserted into the cervix and the sperm are pushed through via syringe.  This is what I refer to as "the worst parade ever."  This feeling can be uncomfortable, but not painful in my experience.  After all sperm are in and the tube is removed you get 10-15 minutes to lay back with your feet up and relax.

After I recommend heading home and relaxing more.  No long running for exercise.  Keep it an easy day for yourself physically and emotionally.  The appointment can be stressful enough.  I also recommend not taking phone calls from my mother, unless you want to hear about how other babies you know are doing and how she's so certain you will have one too...

One week post IUI is a blood test for progesterone done at a lab.

Two weeks after IUI is pregnancy test.  They say to test even if you start your period.

Keep tissues handy.  The waiting really is the hardest part.

You're not alone.  Obviously.

If you are as fortunate as I am, look forward to this process happening a few times and think of how many new pairs of fuzzy socks you can collect and not about how bad you want a martini.

Meeting the Niece

After much deliberation and inner turmoil, my charming husband convinced me to make the road trip to meet my niece.


I know, it sounds like a no brainer.  However, in the midst of the infertility, it felt like a trudge to make a visit to see a baby.  I know, I know... It's family.  Which is also the notion of "seriously? my younger brother has a child and I don't?"

We were supposed to leave on Sunday, but after a mini breakdown of my emotional stability we decided leaving on Monday would be the best option.  The journey was long, but the trip was worth it.  Meeting my sweet little niece, who looks alarming like my brother, was wonderful.  Holding her in my arms and watching her fight sleep for 20 minutes was absolutely lovely.  Staying on the extra bed of my parents house was the exact opposite.

Also terrible is when my mother stated to my sister-in-law, "when you're done with the bottles you can send them to Kirstie."  Yes she did.  To which my body heated up, my eyes turned black and as I slowly turned my head, and loudly stated "we don't know if I can have children."  So she promptly deflected to my father and focused on the last few drops of her 2nd glass of wine.

Dorothy was right, there is no place like home.

lets add cupping

Thursday was a sonogram appointment to check out the follicles and decide upon a trigger shot time.  They look good, trigger shot came later Thursday night. 

My wellness doctor advised an appointment before and after IUI.  The pre IUI appointment was Friday morning.  I got acupuncture in my back this time and then cupping.  I've never had cupping, but have seen it on celebrities and knew what I was in for.  It reminds me of sucking on a cup as a kid, to keep it on your face without your hands, only this time there is no ring around my face.  

Cupping was easy.  The weird part was the menthol put into the cups.  Why is it weird?  Because i could taste it after about a minute of it being applied.  Not taste it in the air, because I couldn't smell it... I could taste it.

I can't wait to see my husband's reaction.  

Remember the cup

As I was checking out from my sonogram (the on the checks on the follicles) the nurse asked me if I had everything I need.  I responded yes.  She asked me then specifically if I had a collection cup for my husband.  I told her, "yes, and a brown bag...I've heard the stories."  She then stated "it happened to me this morning, so I'm making sure everyone has their cup."

Someone brought in their collection in a small tupperware container... for their 4th IUI.  Not first.

Tupperware.

Don't be that person.

Go public

Facing infertility in the face was a difficult, and FREEING when I made the decision to go public... as public as social media can be.

I was so tired of the "when are you going to have children" questions.  When the "let me ask Siri" response didn't seem to be enough for people I realized I needed a new strategy.  It was also not on my google calendar and my uterus wasn't chirping in either.  Nor could I get a straight answer from the magic 8 ball or cootie catcher.  Shrugging shoulders doesn't seem to be a good enough answer either for some people.

The simple answer is: "I don't know."  Add in other words in the middle of that phrase to spice it up... unless you are talking to your mother.

I was also exhausted of the whispers and people who didn't get the answer they wanted from me and would question my husband or friends.  Awful right?

I was most tired by my mother telling her friends so they could pray for me or adding my information to the prayer chain.  We all know the prayer chain is church speak for gossip.  Yes we do.  Plus, then those people would ask me questions about babies, which caught me absolutely off guard.  NEVER catch a woman taking fertility drugs and hormones off guard, unless you have tissues and wine.  Seriously.

It also gives an inside for people who have kids to see what's on the other side.  The exact opposite of greener grass.  Why should they see it? Because they can't, won't ever, shouldn't have to... understand.  Those women will gain empathy, but not understanding.  When floating on the island of infertility in a sea of women with babies, it helps them gain inside information and know how to love and support you as their friend.  The reality is that you are not the only one with fertility issues, but yes EVERYONE is having babies.  Yes they are.  You want to be one of them too.

It's ok when they have 3 children. Or 4.  It's not like getting a hunting deer tag, and they have grabbed all the tags for the season.

Infertility does feel like bottled water.  WHY do people pay so much for it when you can get it for free.

Go public.

Just get it out there.

You're not alone.  You're reading this blog, so you must realize there are more women like you.

Stop watching Teen Mom on Netflix.  It's only going to make you mad.