A little catch up

Realizing I haven't posted since February reminds me that a little catching up would be nice.

Here's a timeline:

February:

• IVF the week of February 9th.  Implementation on February 14th.  Spending Valentine's Day on my back has a whole new meaning.
• Phone message from hospital.  Hubs and I listened to the message in our living room, sitting on the couch, ready for bad news.  
• We're going to be parents.
• Multiple pregnancy tests.  All positive.
• IVF medication in all it's glory - including progesterone shots.

March:

• Continue IVF medication and progesterone shots.  Hubby heads out of town, call in a few favors from friends to give shot in the buttocks, and take friendships to a whole new level.
• More positive pregnancy tests.  High numbers with a possibility of multiples.
• See the baby (singular) on the monitor.  The most beautiful little blur I've ever seen.  Tears from my eyes and hubby's eyes.

April:

• Genetics referral and NIPT.  Genetics reveal it's a BOY.  
• Medication is weaned and Infertility sends us on our merry way.  Until next time.  Deuces.  

May:

• Appointments with Midwife begin.  
• That heartbeat aka the rhythm to a beautiful love song.
• I begin to "show" and wear different clothes.  Also, looks like I may have eaten Chipotle, hard to tell.  
• Finally allowed to move around a bit and "work out" again.

June:

• I discover the elastic waist band.  Genius.
• Take up a summer job in an office with A/C.  Also genius.

July:

• Continue to see the little man grow.  It's a boy.  It's a boy.  It's a boy!
• Take last vacation before becoming a mom.

August:

• Return to work and feel the first flutters in my belly.  
• Baby shower 1.
• Plan to work through 39th week.  Sounds like a good idea at the time.

September:

• Bum out the kids in my classroom since I can't play tag, but become a favorite target in Duck, Duck, Goose since I can't get up quickly.  
• Start to get awful sciatica.  Possibly from IVF scar tissue build up...?  Working out daily to fight the sciatica.
• Baby shower 2.
• Baby shower 3.
• Take labor and delivery classes.  Hubs masters the art of hand massage and hip squeeze.
• Find out the baby is breech.
• Wish I discovered the legging phase sooner.

October:

• Breech Version is successful.  Phew, no cesarean. 
• Work through my 38th week.  Realize that was a crazy idea.
• Find out I'm strep B positive = penicillin every 4 hours when i go into labor.
• Water breaks Oct. 30 @ 9:50 pm.  First contraction 10 minutes later.
• Check into hospital @ 1:00am October 31.  Silently pray child is not born on Halloween.  Publicly announce I do not want my child delivered by a nurse wearing a costume.  

November 1:

• Baby boy is born @ 2:56am.  Cesarean.  
• Fell deeper in love with hubs, now a daddy.
• Fell in love with a tiny baby.

Overwhelm

...and sometimes you will break down and feel like the walls are closing in like an Indiana Jones movie.  The last injection was the straw that...  The tears feel hot and you can't make it stop.

Thank God for my amazing husband.  

"I just need a laugh"

IVF can be daunting.  It can feel heavy and sometimes constricting.  Constricting as a metaphor, not the way your pants feel with the bloating and the soreness from the shots.  So I now find myself saying the words to my husband "I just need a laugh."

Caution, when muttering these words to your husband it may cause him to perform various dance moves or sing what must be remixes to pop songs.  Consider yourself warned.

In those moments I find that Netflix and Hulu plus are great fixes.  My favorite show to turn to is The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.  I find myself laughing out loud at the jokes and the games, and find it to be a great relief from the mental whirlwind of infertility.  

My appreciation for the tonight show deepens knowing that Jimmy Fallon gets the infertility struggle and he gets it from my husband's point of view.  If you didn't know, Jimmy and his wife, Nancy, struggled with infertility for a long time and have 2 adorable little girls.  If you can find the whole interview, it's uplifting and Jimmy speaks hope.  Here is what I found on the today.com webpage:

http://www.today.com/popculture/jimmy-fallon-reveals-awful-5-year-fertility-struggle-6C10904037

Keep hoping and thank you Jimmy Fallon (and of course his lovely wife Nancy.)

Twas the night before retrieval...

... and all through the house, not a creature was calm, not even my spouse.

I'm anxious.  Nervous.  Cautious.  Hopeful.  Blurred.

Today we celebrated the day "off" from medication, needles and blood work by going out to breakfast and having the forbidden coffee that we are cutting back on.  We live dangerously.

Tomorrow we check in at 6:30 for surgery at 7:30.  The orders are no food or drink after midnight, wear comfy clothes, bring warm socks and a photo ID.  Check.

Tomorrow I will be put under anesthesia and when I come to, there should be lots of viable eggs in my doctor's care.

I'm looking forward to coming home and resting.  I'm not looking forward to taking tylenol and getting a whole new regiment of medications...especially more hormones.  So help us all if there is a sappy Visa commercial on TV.

Bummer Summer

The Friday before labor day, my husband and I discovered this IUI did not take.  More specifically, I had just finished my orientation for preschool.  As I was standing there answering the last few rounds of new preschool parent questions, I felt it.  Under my breath I muttered "well hot damn" and finished up.  My thoughts were confirmed when I had a chance to get away.

My husband and I feel like failures.  I am not someone who faces much failure, so this is hard to take in.  We know that we spent the entire summer taking it easy, swallowing pills, getting acupuncture, sitting in the doctor's office, avoiding alcohol, moving around schedules and more... and it has all amounted to zip.  zero. zilch.  Zrustration.  

We did decide to go out with a bang.  This labor day weekend we indulged on everything we cut out.  I had a bloody mary, chocolate, beer, cheese and even white bread.  Yes, I live dangerously.  

I am now on 2 weeks of birth control pills to delay my cycle.  Next stop, Menopur.

IUI process

I realized that I'm using the term IUI, but i haven't explained it.  Without having to go to wikipedia, I'll give you the play by play.

The basic IUI process is first heading to the infertility clinic to have a sonogram to have your ovaries checked out.  They will look at follicles, black spots on the screen, and will also check out your uterus.  At this appointment you may or may not be able to pick up your prescription.  This is an appointmentment that you should make back to back with the nurse to get instructions on how to give or receive shots.  You will probably get a practice saline shot from your partner.  Apparently, giving the shot feels like playing darts and you are the bullseye.

My prescription was a double dose of clomid, which comes with many warnings of side effects, and also the items for the trigger shot to make you ovulate.  The trigger shot includes the medication, syringe and needles.  This can be expensive too, depending on your insurance.  Just be forewarned.  I also got a prescription of estrogen to help build the uterine lining.  Estrogen apparently makes me aggressive, not weepy.  Caution.

Your next appointment will be post Clomid and will be another sonogram to check out the ovaries, follicles and uterus.  At that appointment they will decide when to give the trigger shot and when to have the IUI done.  The trigger shot and the IUI are 36 hours apart.

When you get the trigger shot, be as relaxed as you can be.  If your partner is nervous about giving the trigger shot, ask the doctor or nurse to draw a circle on your body of where the shot should go at that last appointment.  Hopefully. your trigger shot is at night and you can head to bed.  This time period can be emotionally distressing.  This is usually when I find myself frustrated that my husband and I are spending so much money and time at the doctor's while my Facebook feed pops up daily with people who are newly pregnant.

For the IUI, have your partner collect at home and then, while keeping the cup warm, together head to the doctor's.  The sperm need to be washed, collected, and put into a syringe.  In the mean time, you will get a hospital bracelet, have BP checked out and extra time to wait around and make nervous jokes with your partner.  This is also when my husband will pray over us with teary eyes and half beg for this to work.  It's hard to hear it the first time, and it gets harder with each time after that.  The plus side of this appointment, is that instead of getting the paper booties, I got real socks for my feet.  However, this excitement will wear off by the 4th time.

 When everything is ready, a long tube is inserted into the cervix and the sperm are pushed through via syringe.  This is what I refer to as "the worst parade ever."  This feeling can be uncomfortable, but not painful in my experience.  After all sperm are in and the tube is removed you get 10-15 minutes to lay back with your feet up and relax.

After I recommend heading home and relaxing more.  No long running for exercise.  Keep it an easy day for yourself physically and emotionally.  The appointment can be stressful enough.  I also recommend not taking phone calls from my mother, unless you want to hear about how other babies you know are doing and how she's so certain you will have one too...

One week post IUI is a blood test for progesterone done at a lab.

Two weeks after IUI is pregnancy test.  They say to test even if you start your period.

Keep tissues handy.  The waiting really is the hardest part.

You're not alone.  Obviously.

If you are as fortunate as I am, look forward to this process happening a few times and think of how many new pairs of fuzzy socks you can collect and not about how bad you want a martini.

Meeting the Niece

After much deliberation and inner turmoil, my charming husband convinced me to make the road trip to meet my niece.


I know, it sounds like a no brainer.  However, in the midst of the infertility, it felt like a trudge to make a visit to see a baby.  I know, I know... It's family.  Which is also the notion of "seriously? my younger brother has a child and I don't?"

We were supposed to leave on Sunday, but after a mini breakdown of my emotional stability we decided leaving on Monday would be the best option.  The journey was long, but the trip was worth it.  Meeting my sweet little niece, who looks alarming like my brother, was wonderful.  Holding her in my arms and watching her fight sleep for 20 minutes was absolutely lovely.  Staying on the extra bed of my parents house was the exact opposite.

Also terrible is when my mother stated to my sister-in-law, "when you're done with the bottles you can send them to Kirstie."  Yes she did.  To which my body heated up, my eyes turned black and as I slowly turned my head, and loudly stated "we don't know if I can have children."  So she promptly deflected to my father and focused on the last few drops of her 2nd glass of wine.

Dorothy was right, there is no place like home.

lets add cupping

Thursday was a sonogram appointment to check out the follicles and decide upon a trigger shot time.  They look good, trigger shot came later Thursday night. 

My wellness doctor advised an appointment before and after IUI.  The pre IUI appointment was Friday morning.  I got acupuncture in my back this time and then cupping.  I've never had cupping, but have seen it on celebrities and knew what I was in for.  It reminds me of sucking on a cup as a kid, to keep it on your face without your hands, only this time there is no ring around my face.  

Cupping was easy.  The weird part was the menthol put into the cups.  Why is it weird?  Because i could taste it after about a minute of it being applied.  Not taste it in the air, because I couldn't smell it... I could taste it.

I can't wait to see my husband's reaction.  

Remember the cup

As I was checking out from my sonogram (the on the checks on the follicles) the nurse asked me if I had everything I need.  I responded yes.  She asked me then specifically if I had a collection cup for my husband.  I told her, "yes, and a brown bag...I've heard the stories."  She then stated "it happened to me this morning, so I'm making sure everyone has their cup."

Someone brought in their collection in a small tupperware container... for their 4th IUI.  Not first.

Tupperware.

Don't be that person.

Go public

Facing infertility in the face was a difficult, and FREEING when I made the decision to go public... as public as social media can be.

I was so tired of the "when are you going to have children" questions.  When the "let me ask Siri" response didn't seem to be enough for people I realized I needed a new strategy.  It was also not on my google calendar and my uterus wasn't chirping in either.  Nor could I get a straight answer from the magic 8 ball or cootie catcher.  Shrugging shoulders doesn't seem to be a good enough answer either for some people.

The simple answer is: "I don't know."  Add in other words in the middle of that phrase to spice it up... unless you are talking to your mother.

I was also exhausted of the whispers and people who didn't get the answer they wanted from me and would question my husband or friends.  Awful right?

I was most tired by my mother telling her friends so they could pray for me or adding my information to the prayer chain.  We all know the prayer chain is church speak for gossip.  Yes we do.  Plus, then those people would ask me questions about babies, which caught me absolutely off guard.  NEVER catch a woman taking fertility drugs and hormones off guard, unless you have tissues and wine.  Seriously.

It also gives an inside for people who have kids to see what's on the other side.  The exact opposite of greener grass.  Why should they see it? Because they can't, won't ever, shouldn't have to... understand.  Those women will gain empathy, but not understanding.  When floating on the island of infertility in a sea of women with babies, it helps them gain inside information and know how to love and support you as their friend.  The reality is that you are not the only one with fertility issues, but yes EVERYONE is having babies.  Yes they are.  You want to be one of them too.

It's ok when they have 3 children. Or 4.  It's not like getting a hunting deer tag, and they have grabbed all the tags for the season.

Infertility does feel like bottled water.  WHY do people pay so much for it when you can get it for free.

Go public.

Just get it out there.

You're not alone.  You're reading this blog, so you must realize there are more women like you.

Stop watching Teen Mom on Netflix.  It's only going to make you mad.

Slow growth much?

Today was my appointment for my ultrasound to timeline my last IUI.  I've been very grateful that my darling husband has come along for these journeys.  There's no one I would want there more to hold my skirt and chonies during the appointment.

Apparently, this cycle (which is a lot like the last) will be a long cycle.  Which means my follicles aren't as big as they "should" be by day 14.  Which means these longer cycles seem to be a new trend.  Which means I will be heading back on Thursday for another ultrasound for the timeline.  I blame the super moon.

Actually, I will be back in the doctor's office on Wednesday.  I am signed up for a class to learn about how to inject myself with medication for the following cycle.  If this cycle is not successful, this is where we all cross our fingers and say a prayer that it does, then I move on to injections plus IUI.  My doctor nicknamed this process an "IVF test run."  As in, shots everyday, in and out of the doctor's office often, and more hassle than I'm used to.

As for my Wednesday appointment, the LVN stated to me that instead of late August, (smack in the middle of teacher prep week,)  she can get me in this week for the class.  She then stated "we have an opening because on of the girls called to say she is pregnant."  My response?  "That is one lucky bitch... and so am I, I'll take it."

Awful Timing

This morning I posted to social media that my husband and I are in the process of a 3rd IUI.

Then my brother posted on social media that his wife is going into labor.

 I have awful timing.

Hooray for a niece!

Do we have to eat?

Like a good wife, put all my husband's vitamins and supplements into a weekly pill holder.  Perhaps I am practicing for when we are 60.  We've both added in to our diet many a capsule of goodness to help promote fertility.

When my husband looked inside for his morning dosage, he sweetly asked "do we even have to eat anymore?"  Oh honey.