Bummer Summer

The Friday before labor day, my husband and I discovered this IUI did not take.  More specifically, I had just finished my orientation for preschool.  As I was standing there answering the last few rounds of new preschool parent questions, I felt it.  Under my breath I muttered "well hot damn" and finished up.  My thoughts were confirmed when I had a chance to get away.

My husband and I feel like failures.  I am not someone who faces much failure, so this is hard to take in.  We know that we spent the entire summer taking it easy, swallowing pills, getting acupuncture, sitting in the doctor's office, avoiding alcohol, moving around schedules and more... and it has all amounted to zip.  zero. zilch.  Zrustration.  

We did decide to go out with a bang.  This labor day weekend we indulged on everything we cut out.  I had a bloody mary, chocolate, beer, cheese and even white bread.  Yes, I live dangerously.  

I am now on 2 weeks of birth control pills to delay my cycle.  Next stop, Menopur.

IUI process

I realized that I'm using the term IUI, but i haven't explained it.  Without having to go to wikipedia, I'll give you the play by play.

The basic IUI process is first heading to the infertility clinic to have a sonogram to have your ovaries checked out.  They will look at follicles, black spots on the screen, and will also check out your uterus.  At this appointment you may or may not be able to pick up your prescription.  This is an appointmentment that you should make back to back with the nurse to get instructions on how to give or receive shots.  You will probably get a practice saline shot from your partner.  Apparently, giving the shot feels like playing darts and you are the bullseye.

My prescription was a double dose of clomid, which comes with many warnings of side effects, and also the items for the trigger shot to make you ovulate.  The trigger shot includes the medication, syringe and needles.  This can be expensive too, depending on your insurance.  Just be forewarned.  I also got a prescription of estrogen to help build the uterine lining.  Estrogen apparently makes me aggressive, not weepy.  Caution.

Your next appointment will be post Clomid and will be another sonogram to check out the ovaries, follicles and uterus.  At that appointment they will decide when to give the trigger shot and when to have the IUI done.  The trigger shot and the IUI are 36 hours apart.

When you get the trigger shot, be as relaxed as you can be.  If your partner is nervous about giving the trigger shot, ask the doctor or nurse to draw a circle on your body of where the shot should go at that last appointment.  Hopefully. your trigger shot is at night and you can head to bed.  This time period can be emotionally distressing.  This is usually when I find myself frustrated that my husband and I are spending so much money and time at the doctor's while my Facebook feed pops up daily with people who are newly pregnant.

For the IUI, have your partner collect at home and then, while keeping the cup warm, together head to the doctor's.  The sperm need to be washed, collected, and put into a syringe.  In the mean time, you will get a hospital bracelet, have BP checked out and extra time to wait around and make nervous jokes with your partner.  This is also when my husband will pray over us with teary eyes and half beg for this to work.  It's hard to hear it the first time, and it gets harder with each time after that.  The plus side of this appointment, is that instead of getting the paper booties, I got real socks for my feet.  However, this excitement will wear off by the 4th time.

 When everything is ready, a long tube is inserted into the cervix and the sperm are pushed through via syringe.  This is what I refer to as "the worst parade ever."  This feeling can be uncomfortable, but not painful in my experience.  After all sperm are in and the tube is removed you get 10-15 minutes to lay back with your feet up and relax.

After I recommend heading home and relaxing more.  No long running for exercise.  Keep it an easy day for yourself physically and emotionally.  The appointment can be stressful enough.  I also recommend not taking phone calls from my mother, unless you want to hear about how other babies you know are doing and how she's so certain you will have one too...

One week post IUI is a blood test for progesterone done at a lab.

Two weeks after IUI is pregnancy test.  They say to test even if you start your period.

Keep tissues handy.  The waiting really is the hardest part.

You're not alone.  Obviously.

If you are as fortunate as I am, look forward to this process happening a few times and think of how many new pairs of fuzzy socks you can collect and not about how bad you want a martini.

Meeting the Niece

After much deliberation and inner turmoil, my charming husband convinced me to make the road trip to meet my niece.


I know, it sounds like a no brainer.  However, in the midst of the infertility, it felt like a trudge to make a visit to see a baby.  I know, I know... It's family.  Which is also the notion of "seriously? my younger brother has a child and I don't?"

We were supposed to leave on Sunday, but after a mini breakdown of my emotional stability we decided leaving on Monday would be the best option.  The journey was long, but the trip was worth it.  Meeting my sweet little niece, who looks alarming like my brother, was wonderful.  Holding her in my arms and watching her fight sleep for 20 minutes was absolutely lovely.  Staying on the extra bed of my parents house was the exact opposite.

Also terrible is when my mother stated to my sister-in-law, "when you're done with the bottles you can send them to Kirstie."  Yes she did.  To which my body heated up, my eyes turned black and as I slowly turned my head, and loudly stated "we don't know if I can have children."  So she promptly deflected to my father and focused on the last few drops of her 2nd glass of wine.

Dorothy was right, there is no place like home.

lets add cupping

Thursday was a sonogram appointment to check out the follicles and decide upon a trigger shot time.  They look good, trigger shot came later Thursday night. 

My wellness doctor advised an appointment before and after IUI.  The pre IUI appointment was Friday morning.  I got acupuncture in my back this time and then cupping.  I've never had cupping, but have seen it on celebrities and knew what I was in for.  It reminds me of sucking on a cup as a kid, to keep it on your face without your hands, only this time there is no ring around my face.  

Cupping was easy.  The weird part was the menthol put into the cups.  Why is it weird?  Because i could taste it after about a minute of it being applied.  Not taste it in the air, because I couldn't smell it... I could taste it.

I can't wait to see my husband's reaction.  

Remember the cup

As I was checking out from my sonogram (the on the checks on the follicles) the nurse asked me if I had everything I need.  I responded yes.  She asked me then specifically if I had a collection cup for my husband.  I told her, "yes, and a brown bag...I've heard the stories."  She then stated "it happened to me this morning, so I'm making sure everyone has their cup."

Someone brought in their collection in a small tupperware container... for their 4th IUI.  Not first.

Tupperware.

Don't be that person.

Go public

Facing infertility in the face was a difficult, and FREEING when I made the decision to go public... as public as social media can be.

I was so tired of the "when are you going to have children" questions.  When the "let me ask Siri" response didn't seem to be enough for people I realized I needed a new strategy.  It was also not on my google calendar and my uterus wasn't chirping in either.  Nor could I get a straight answer from the magic 8 ball or cootie catcher.  Shrugging shoulders doesn't seem to be a good enough answer either for some people.

The simple answer is: "I don't know."  Add in other words in the middle of that phrase to spice it up... unless you are talking to your mother.

I was also exhausted of the whispers and people who didn't get the answer they wanted from me and would question my husband or friends.  Awful right?

I was most tired by my mother telling her friends so they could pray for me or adding my information to the prayer chain.  We all know the prayer chain is church speak for gossip.  Yes we do.  Plus, then those people would ask me questions about babies, which caught me absolutely off guard.  NEVER catch a woman taking fertility drugs and hormones off guard, unless you have tissues and wine.  Seriously.

It also gives an inside for people who have kids to see what's on the other side.  The exact opposite of greener grass.  Why should they see it? Because they can't, won't ever, shouldn't have to... understand.  Those women will gain empathy, but not understanding.  When floating on the island of infertility in a sea of women with babies, it helps them gain inside information and know how to love and support you as their friend.  The reality is that you are not the only one with fertility issues, but yes EVERYONE is having babies.  Yes they are.  You want to be one of them too.

It's ok when they have 3 children. Or 4.  It's not like getting a hunting deer tag, and they have grabbed all the tags for the season.

Infertility does feel like bottled water.  WHY do people pay so much for it when you can get it for free.

Go public.

Just get it out there.

You're not alone.  You're reading this blog, so you must realize there are more women like you.

Stop watching Teen Mom on Netflix.  It's only going to make you mad.

Slow growth much?

Today was my appointment for my ultrasound to timeline my last IUI.  I've been very grateful that my darling husband has come along for these journeys.  There's no one I would want there more to hold my skirt and chonies during the appointment.

Apparently, this cycle (which is a lot like the last) will be a long cycle.  Which means my follicles aren't as big as they "should" be by day 14.  Which means these longer cycles seem to be a new trend.  Which means I will be heading back on Thursday for another ultrasound for the timeline.  I blame the super moon.

Actually, I will be back in the doctor's office on Wednesday.  I am signed up for a class to learn about how to inject myself with medication for the following cycle.  If this cycle is not successful, this is where we all cross our fingers and say a prayer that it does, then I move on to injections plus IUI.  My doctor nicknamed this process an "IVF test run."  As in, shots everyday, in and out of the doctor's office often, and more hassle than I'm used to.

As for my Wednesday appointment, the LVN stated to me that instead of late August, (smack in the middle of teacher prep week,)  she can get me in this week for the class.  She then stated "we have an opening because on of the girls called to say she is pregnant."  My response?  "That is one lucky bitch... and so am I, I'll take it."

Awful Timing

This morning I posted to social media that my husband and I are in the process of a 3rd IUI.

Then my brother posted on social media that his wife is going into labor.

 I have awful timing.

Hooray for a niece!

Do we have to eat?

Like a good wife, put all my husband's vitamins and supplements into a weekly pill holder.  Perhaps I am practicing for when we are 60.  We've both added in to our diet many a capsule of goodness to help promote fertility.

When my husband looked inside for his morning dosage, he sweetly asked "do we even have to eat anymore?"  Oh honey.

psychic power(less)

I get emails from this cute little boutique near my house and I have known the owner for a few years now.  In one of the emails there was a promotion for psychic readings at the boutique.  I was intrigued.  

I emailed back and asked the owner if she had ever been to a psychic and what she thought.  I had no intentions of actually getting "read", just curious about the whole process.  I feel the same way about skydiving and sticking a fork in the light socket.  The owner emailed back, gave me a brief description of when she had been "read" and asked if I wanted to come in.  I told her that as interesting as it sounds, I have spent all my fun money (for the next few years) on fertility.

So she offered to pay for it and I went.

It was interesting to say the least.  I walked in, introduced myself and she immediately commented on how I was named after a famous actress....actually, I am older than this actresses public career, so no.  I was given many general statements, some of which you can read on fortune cookies, which happen to be my favorite forms of advice.  Apparently I had many lives in Rome, where I was a hand maiden.  I also need to stop being the bread winner for my family, which I agreed to and when I start to become it I will promptly stop.  She also asked "what is in Texas?"  I responded "the alamo?" as I have no other connections to Texas.  She also told me my grandmother is with me in the car and enjoyed baking with me as a child and was proud of how she raised my mother.  Grandma didn't bake, didn't actually raise my mom and sure as hell didn't allow anyone to call her "grandma."

I have learned that I will apparently be moving East in the next two years, even though my husband and I talk about North and will be having a boy.  

Needless to say, I didn't find it insightful, but I did find it nice to get out of the house on a rainy day.  Besides, next door to the boutique is my favorite alterations place and I have pants that needed to be hemmed.   

Doctor's orders

I told my doctor I knit..  She asked what I knit.  I said, "oh, baby blankets and baby hats for friends, scarves, boot warmers..."  

She said, " I don't think the baby items are the best... No baby knis.  Doctors orders."

Boom.  Drop the mic needles and walk away.

3rd time was not the charm

After what feels like a long journey of waiting (two weeks post IUI) we found out we are not pregnant.

I don't find anger this time, just a sense of defeat.  Numbness.  Shock maybe?

Monday was the day to check post IUI for pregnancy.  Negative test.  No period.  Some cramping.  Dropped waking temperature. The signs were not looking good.

Tuesday I went in for acupuncture in my new holistic health center.  This is my initial appointment where I give my list of labs taken for the last 2 years, list of vitamins and supplements I am taking, family history, daily diet, exercise, history of my menstrual cycle etc..

I laid on the table for acupuncture at the end of the appointment, and as I laid there I prayed for a child, for a pregnancy, for a miracle.

I drove home, got the mail, I walked in the front door and... well, we all know.  That "oh fuck" moment.  I then texted my out of town husband and opened a beer.  I missed beer.

July is not our month either.

sew cute!

I have finally learned how to sew.  I failed at this task in Pioneer Girls (the Christian version of girl scouts) and failed to sew/ lace a felt purse during colonial days in 4th grade.  I can't even say I'm super competent or focused when lacing up the little plastic animals in my classroom.  Now that I think of it, I don't even like to tie my shoes.

But, I did it.  I sewed a pillow case for the pillows in my classroom.  They were a old, ugly, dark green/ olive color.  Now they will be covered in a bright, 4 color chevron pattern.  So much happier.

I knit, I drink tea and I now sew.  Oh my G-d I'm not 33, I'm 80.  No wonder I can't have kids.  I've been post menopausal for 20 years. 

Sew what

In the process to continue to distract myself from the infertility madness, I have taken up sewing.

So far I have taken the machine out of the box, plugged it in and am currently reading through the manual online.  Yes, it came with a manual, but somehow between 2 Christmases ago when I received it and now, I have lost it.  I blame the cats.

My first project is to sew pillowcases for the pillows at school.  Sounds easy enough.

Have no fear, I have pinned many how-tos to sew them and have at least read the title on all of them.  Mostly I have looked at the pictures.

On to the next one

Today I had my appointment with another Wellness Doctor.  This clinic promises a blend of western and eastern medicine.  This will most likely include acupuncture, acupressure, supplements, herbs and more.  This should be interesting.  

I arrived a few minutes late for my appointment due to the waze app unable to accurately locate the building.  Imagine my surprise (and flash of estrogen anger) when my phone chips "you have arrived at your destination" as I'm driving on the freeway.  

Even more of a surprise when I do arrive and I'm not 4 minutes late, I'm 40 minutes late.  The lady on the phone last week stated my appointment to be at 9:40, but scheduled me for 9am. Hooray for being squeezed in.

In a quick bit of chatting in a cozy chair I rattled off my vitamin and supplement list, my husband's supplement list (which he doesn't know is about to be longer), my diet restrictions, my recent medications and my "unexplained fertility" diagnosis.  The clinic was calm and the doctor was also kind.  It was thoughtful of the doctor to state that I "wasn't alone" on this journey... as if it wasn't obvious considering I was sitting in a holistic fertility clinic.  Clearly, I'm not alone and this is a good enough business as i notice the name brand shoes.

I told the doctor about my IUI status and how I'm waiting on results of this last IUI, but noted that I felt crampy.  I wasn't sure if it was cramps for possible menstrual pain, considering my uterus hasn't felt "normal" for about 2 months now.  

The doctor felt my pulse in my wrists and stated that she didn't feel the "strong pregnancy pulse" that she feels for.  I felt my face fall and the doctor stated that she didn't know my pulses yet, so it could be different.  Oh false hope, how I love and loathe thee.  

I was sent away with a packet of paperwork and will return to the doctor next week.  This journey is long.  

Vacation?

Once a year my husband and I take a journey with friends to the Oregon Coast.  It's beautiful.  It's relaxing.  It's usually filled with booze.  mmmmm.

This year was no different, for everyone else.  Mine was full of tears, heartache, and mock-tails (virgin cocktails.)  we don't know if we are pregnant.  read on.

In early July I went in to the Fertility Clinic (the other F-word) for my 3rd IUI.  Change that, my husband and I went in for our 3rd IUI.  It really is a team sport at this point in the game.  We almost didn't make it to the Oregon Coast, but the timing worked out.  The vacation fell between the IUI and the pregnancy test time, so my husband and I went on the trip.

We didn't always want to go on the trip.  Around February/ March, my husband and I began talking about the upcoming trip and how that would look on the calendar.  We realized we were looking at a summer of IUIs and perhaps IVF.  While the ideals of a vacation sound relaxing and fun, I knew that timing was the key and we put it on hold with a decision of "no."  

Summer crept up and my husband convinced me that it would be a good way to get away (true,) spend time together (true,) and relax (false.)  Sometime during that point I went public to ask friends to pray.  By public, I mean I posted it on Facebook.  June's IUI came and went, unsuccessfully and was awfully depressing.  On what must have been a hormone-filled craze I called the doctor for a 3rd IUI for July.  

Again, the Facebook post was sent out to again ask people to pray.  Messages and emails came in.  They were mostly awesome.  Fantastic messages like "I will pray," expressions of empathy, or ladies publicly stating they were in my same boat.  Some people would state "we had no idea you couldn't conceive..."  Really? Really... As if it's a scarlet I that should be on my chest or a bead on a Pandora bracelet that someone overlooked.   Perhaps Facebook should add that into their profile settings.  

My husband and I flew into Oregon totally great and ready for the weekend.  Cut to me silently weeping outside the rental car office while I hear my friend next to me tell her baby about all the other children and moms who will be at the beach.  ALL FAMILIES WITH KIDS.  The only ladies sans kids besides me were the dogs.  Pain ensued.  

Coming back home to a quiet (when the black cat is sleeping) home was the real relaxation.  There is nothing like the feeling of your own pillow, your own sheets and your own bed.  

I'm currently distracting myself from the horrible game of "waiting."  Monday will be the day that I can check for pregnancy, but today is calendar day 28.  Praying for the pregnancy like a mad woman.  

Et tu dad?

The unofficial definition of being trapped:  when you call your dad to say happy birthday and he makes you talk about considering IVF.  

How the man has waited 364 days from the last time he made me talk about infertility, I will never know.  I have a hard time waiting to eat the entire carton of salsa before my husband gets home. 

Plan c?

We tried insemination.     Fail.

We are devastated. 

I had a lot of hope. We had a lot of hope.  

It is February.  We will not be having a child in 2014 either.  

4 digits

As I walked out of the fertility clinic, I realized I had hit the thousand dollar mark.   Passed it actually.  

Feels more like a thousand unlucky lottery tickets.