Doctor's orders

I told my doctor I knit..  She asked what I knit.  I said, "oh, baby blankets and baby hats for friends, scarves, boot warmers..."  

She said, " I don't think the baby items are the best... No baby knis.  Doctors orders."

Boom.  Drop the mic needles and walk away.

3rd time was not the charm

After what feels like a long journey of waiting (two weeks post IUI) we found out we are not pregnant.

I don't find anger this time, just a sense of defeat.  Numbness.  Shock maybe?

Monday was the day to check post IUI for pregnancy.  Negative test.  No period.  Some cramping.  Dropped waking temperature. The signs were not looking good.

Tuesday I went in for acupuncture in my new holistic health center.  This is my initial appointment where I give my list of labs taken for the last 2 years, list of vitamins and supplements I am taking, family history, daily diet, exercise, history of my menstrual cycle etc..

I laid on the table for acupuncture at the end of the appointment, and as I laid there I prayed for a child, for a pregnancy, for a miracle.

I drove home, got the mail, I walked in the front door and... well, we all know.  That "oh fuck" moment.  I then texted my out of town husband and opened a beer.  I missed beer.

July is not our month either.

sew cute!

I have finally learned how to sew.  I failed at this task in Pioneer Girls (the Christian version of girl scouts) and failed to sew/ lace a felt purse during colonial days in 4th grade.  I can't even say I'm super competent or focused when lacing up the little plastic animals in my classroom.  Now that I think of it, I don't even like to tie my shoes.

But, I did it.  I sewed a pillow case for the pillows in my classroom.  They were a old, ugly, dark green/ olive color.  Now they will be covered in a bright, 4 color chevron pattern.  So much happier.

I knit, I drink tea and I now sew.  Oh my G-d I'm not 33, I'm 80.  No wonder I can't have kids.  I've been post menopausal for 20 years. 

Sew what

In the process to continue to distract myself from the infertility madness, I have taken up sewing.

So far I have taken the machine out of the box, plugged it in and am currently reading through the manual online.  Yes, it came with a manual, but somehow between 2 Christmases ago when I received it and now, I have lost it.  I blame the cats.

My first project is to sew pillowcases for the pillows at school.  Sounds easy enough.

Have no fear, I have pinned many how-tos to sew them and have at least read the title on all of them.  Mostly I have looked at the pictures.

On to the next one

Today I had my appointment with another Wellness Doctor.  This clinic promises a blend of western and eastern medicine.  This will most likely include acupuncture, acupressure, supplements, herbs and more.  This should be interesting.  

I arrived a few minutes late for my appointment due to the waze app unable to accurately locate the building.  Imagine my surprise (and flash of estrogen anger) when my phone chips "you have arrived at your destination" as I'm driving on the freeway.  

Even more of a surprise when I do arrive and I'm not 4 minutes late, I'm 40 minutes late.  The lady on the phone last week stated my appointment to be at 9:40, but scheduled me for 9am. Hooray for being squeezed in.

In a quick bit of chatting in a cozy chair I rattled off my vitamin and supplement list, my husband's supplement list (which he doesn't know is about to be longer), my diet restrictions, my recent medications and my "unexplained fertility" diagnosis.  The clinic was calm and the doctor was also kind.  It was thoughtful of the doctor to state that I "wasn't alone" on this journey... as if it wasn't obvious considering I was sitting in a holistic fertility clinic.  Clearly, I'm not alone and this is a good enough business as i notice the name brand shoes.

I told the doctor about my IUI status and how I'm waiting on results of this last IUI, but noted that I felt crampy.  I wasn't sure if it was cramps for possible menstrual pain, considering my uterus hasn't felt "normal" for about 2 months now.  

The doctor felt my pulse in my wrists and stated that she didn't feel the "strong pregnancy pulse" that she feels for.  I felt my face fall and the doctor stated that she didn't know my pulses yet, so it could be different.  Oh false hope, how I love and loathe thee.  

I was sent away with a packet of paperwork and will return to the doctor next week.  This journey is long.  

Vacation?

Once a year my husband and I take a journey with friends to the Oregon Coast.  It's beautiful.  It's relaxing.  It's usually filled with booze.  mmmmm.

This year was no different, for everyone else.  Mine was full of tears, heartache, and mock-tails (virgin cocktails.)  we don't know if we are pregnant.  read on.

In early July I went in to the Fertility Clinic (the other F-word) for my 3rd IUI.  Change that, my husband and I went in for our 3rd IUI.  It really is a team sport at this point in the game.  We almost didn't make it to the Oregon Coast, but the timing worked out.  The vacation fell between the IUI and the pregnancy test time, so my husband and I went on the trip.

We didn't always want to go on the trip.  Around February/ March, my husband and I began talking about the upcoming trip and how that would look on the calendar.  We realized we were looking at a summer of IUIs and perhaps IVF.  While the ideals of a vacation sound relaxing and fun, I knew that timing was the key and we put it on hold with a decision of "no."  

Summer crept up and my husband convinced me that it would be a good way to get away (true,) spend time together (true,) and relax (false.)  Sometime during that point I went public to ask friends to pray.  By public, I mean I posted it on Facebook.  June's IUI came and went, unsuccessfully and was awfully depressing.  On what must have been a hormone-filled craze I called the doctor for a 3rd IUI for July.  

Again, the Facebook post was sent out to again ask people to pray.  Messages and emails came in.  They were mostly awesome.  Fantastic messages like "I will pray," expressions of empathy, or ladies publicly stating they were in my same boat.  Some people would state "we had no idea you couldn't conceive..."  Really? Really... As if it's a scarlet I that should be on my chest or a bead on a Pandora bracelet that someone overlooked.   Perhaps Facebook should add that into their profile settings.  

My husband and I flew into Oregon totally great and ready for the weekend.  Cut to me silently weeping outside the rental car office while I hear my friend next to me tell her baby about all the other children and moms who will be at the beach.  ALL FAMILIES WITH KIDS.  The only ladies sans kids besides me were the dogs.  Pain ensued.  

Coming back home to a quiet (when the black cat is sleeping) home was the real relaxation.  There is nothing like the feeling of your own pillow, your own sheets and your own bed.  

I'm currently distracting myself from the horrible game of "waiting."  Monday will be the day that I can check for pregnancy, but today is calendar day 28.  Praying for the pregnancy like a mad woman.