return of the tick

Day one of injections is over and done.  Round 2 is about to begin.

As of this week I have reverted to my old nervous tick of wringing my hands.  When I catch myself, I try to put lotion in my hands to at least give the habit some purpose.

When I come through this I might not just have a baby, I could also have really soft hands. Bonus.

Bummer Summer

The Friday before labor day, my husband and I discovered this IUI did not take.  More specifically, I had just finished my orientation for preschool.  As I was standing there answering the last few rounds of new preschool parent questions, I felt it.  Under my breath I muttered "well hot damn" and finished up.  My thoughts were confirmed when I had a chance to get away.

My husband and I feel like failures.  I am not someone who faces much failure, so this is hard to take in.  We know that we spent the entire summer taking it easy, swallowing pills, getting acupuncture, sitting in the doctor's office, avoiding alcohol, moving around schedules and more... and it has all amounted to zip.  zero. zilch.  Zrustration.  

We did decide to go out with a bang.  This labor day weekend we indulged on everything we cut out.  I had a bloody mary, chocolate, beer, cheese and even white bread.  Yes, I live dangerously.  

I am now on 2 weeks of birth control pills to delay my cycle.  Next stop, Menopur.

Go public

Facing infertility in the face was a difficult, and FREEING when I made the decision to go public... as public as social media can be.

I was so tired of the "when are you going to have children" questions.  When the "let me ask Siri" response didn't seem to be enough for people I realized I needed a new strategy.  It was also not on my google calendar and my uterus wasn't chirping in either.  Nor could I get a straight answer from the magic 8 ball or cootie catcher.  Shrugging shoulders doesn't seem to be a good enough answer either for some people.

The simple answer is: "I don't know."  Add in other words in the middle of that phrase to spice it up... unless you are talking to your mother.

I was also exhausted of the whispers and people who didn't get the answer they wanted from me and would question my husband or friends.  Awful right?

I was most tired by my mother telling her friends so they could pray for me or adding my information to the prayer chain.  We all know the prayer chain is church speak for gossip.  Yes we do.  Plus, then those people would ask me questions about babies, which caught me absolutely off guard.  NEVER catch a woman taking fertility drugs and hormones off guard, unless you have tissues and wine.  Seriously.

It also gives an inside for people who have kids to see what's on the other side.  The exact opposite of greener grass.  Why should they see it? Because they can't, won't ever, shouldn't have to... understand.  Those women will gain empathy, but not understanding.  When floating on the island of infertility in a sea of women with babies, it helps them gain inside information and know how to love and support you as their friend.  The reality is that you are not the only one with fertility issues, but yes EVERYONE is having babies.  Yes they are.  You want to be one of them too.

It's ok when they have 3 children. Or 4.  It's not like getting a hunting deer tag, and they have grabbed all the tags for the season.

Infertility does feel like bottled water.  WHY do people pay so much for it when you can get it for free.

Go public.

Just get it out there.

You're not alone.  You're reading this blog, so you must realize there are more women like you.

Stop watching Teen Mom on Netflix.  It's only going to make you mad.

Slow growth much?

Today was my appointment for my ultrasound to timeline my last IUI.  I've been very grateful that my darling husband has come along for these journeys.  There's no one I would want there more to hold my skirt and chonies during the appointment.

Apparently, this cycle (which is a lot like the last) will be a long cycle.  Which means my follicles aren't as big as they "should" be by day 14.  Which means these longer cycles seem to be a new trend.  Which means I will be heading back on Thursday for another ultrasound for the timeline.  I blame the super moon.

Actually, I will be back in the doctor's office on Wednesday.  I am signed up for a class to learn about how to inject myself with medication for the following cycle.  If this cycle is not successful, this is where we all cross our fingers and say a prayer that it does, then I move on to injections plus IUI.  My doctor nicknamed this process an "IVF test run."  As in, shots everyday, in and out of the doctor's office often, and more hassle than I'm used to.

As for my Wednesday appointment, the LVN stated to me that instead of late August, (smack in the middle of teacher prep week,)  she can get me in this week for the class.  She then stated "we have an opening because on of the girls called to say she is pregnant."  My response?  "That is one lucky bitch... and so am I, I'll take it."

Do we have to eat?

Like a good wife, put all my husband's vitamins and supplements into a weekly pill holder.  Perhaps I am practicing for when we are 60.  We've both added in to our diet many a capsule of goodness to help promote fertility.

When my husband looked inside for his morning dosage, he sweetly asked "do we even have to eat anymore?"  Oh honey.