get support

If you are reading this blog because you are heading to or through IVF, my best tip is to get support.

I avoided support from google groups, because I didn't want to spend more time thinking about my infertility.  There is too much other fun or mentally healthy places to do so.  Plus, sitting and reading is almost impossible with a cuddly, fat cat.

I avoided when people would tell me stories about "someone they know" who went through IVF, it was just one more sad story after another.  Although most ended with a hopeful note, it was still me fighting my inner monologue of "oh my God... someone get me a glass of wine...stop talking... this is depressing...oh my God... remember to nod... do I hug now?..  seriously, make it a big glass...how nice it worked out for them..."  I even had a few people offer to show me pictures of their friend's "miracles."

Aren't all children/ the conception of life, a miracle?  Moving on.

When people told me their own stories or offered up other people's phone numbers to talk to real people, that's when I felt supported.

Unless I specifically told them I don't want to talk about it, and then they continued to do so.  Balloon deflation.

It also helped to come clean.  Exposing my vulnerabilities to my friends and wearing the scarlet I was the best thing I did.  It was not easy.

The most amazing support I had was when friends came to my house and prayed and supported me in this time.  It was AMAZING!  To pray though this time, to hear truth spoken, to be reminded of me (not the me the meds create in my head) and to be washed in the love of Jesus was everything.  Everything.  I have amazing women in my life.  No, none of them have been through IVF, they are all great mommies, and they are amazing.... and they are pretty funny and make great crafts too.

Get support.  Legit support.

Slow growth much?

Today was my appointment for my ultrasound to timeline my last IUI.  I've been very grateful that my darling husband has come along for these journeys.  There's no one I would want there more to hold my skirt and chonies during the appointment.

Apparently, this cycle (which is a lot like the last) will be a long cycle.  Which means my follicles aren't as big as they "should" be by day 14.  Which means these longer cycles seem to be a new trend.  Which means I will be heading back on Thursday for another ultrasound for the timeline.  I blame the super moon.

Actually, I will be back in the doctor's office on Wednesday.  I am signed up for a class to learn about how to inject myself with medication for the following cycle.  If this cycle is not successful, this is where we all cross our fingers and say a prayer that it does, then I move on to injections plus IUI.  My doctor nicknamed this process an "IVF test run."  As in, shots everyday, in and out of the doctor's office often, and more hassle than I'm used to.

As for my Wednesday appointment, the LVN stated to me that instead of late August, (smack in the middle of teacher prep week,)  she can get me in this week for the class.  She then stated "we have an opening because on of the girls called to say she is pregnant."  My response?  "That is one lucky bitch... and so am I, I'll take it."

3rd time was not the charm

After what feels like a long journey of waiting (two weeks post IUI) we found out we are not pregnant.

I don't find anger this time, just a sense of defeat.  Numbness.  Shock maybe?

Monday was the day to check post IUI for pregnancy.  Negative test.  No period.  Some cramping.  Dropped waking temperature. The signs were not looking good.

Tuesday I went in for acupuncture in my new holistic health center.  This is my initial appointment where I give my list of labs taken for the last 2 years, list of vitamins and supplements I am taking, family history, daily diet, exercise, history of my menstrual cycle etc..

I laid on the table for acupuncture at the end of the appointment, and as I laid there I prayed for a child, for a pregnancy, for a miracle.

I drove home, got the mail, I walked in the front door and... well, we all know.  That "oh fuck" moment.  I then texted my out of town husband and opened a beer.  I missed beer.

July is not our month either.