Round 2

When clomid didn't work the first time to get us pregnant I was exhausted from the amount of sadness.

Now that it hasn't worked the 2nd time around... I don't know how low it will go.

I don't know what else to bargain with to God, I don't know what else to beg, I can't fall flatter than lying on my face, when it felt like God wasn't hearing me I learned to cry out in a different language, and when last month I ran low on tampons I made sure to buy the costco size box hoping it would be my luck to not need them...

I feel like I just got washed away by the rain.

I think I just went into shock.

Hard to explain

It's really hard to explain to your husband why you don't hang out or see your friends much.  It's really hard to explain to him that when people have kids, usually they kinda drop the non-kid friends for awhile... or longer.
  It makes perfect sense.  You hang out with people that you have things in common with.  Having a kid is such a major event that of course it consumes the new parents and of course they naturally attach with others who are in the same phase and have the same concerns.  It's hard to explain that new parents sometimes feel odd asking non-kid people to hang out because they don't think non-kid people will understand when conversation is stopped for a juice box interruption, or a nursing interruption, or a so-help-me-what-did-you-eat diaper change.
  Especially when your friends know how long you have been trying for kids to no avail.  It's not that your new parent friends are jerks, or ignoring others, it's simply that the new parents are sensitive to others.  Let's be real, do they really have time for anything outside the new baby?
 
 Having to explain to your husband these complex dynamics is really hard and really painful... and draining.

 Life is different as a new parent, or so I've been told.

Open season

Well, it's out there now.  

Like an idiot I posted that "October had been a long month" on my Facebook.   It was.  For MANY reasons.  

My mother called me to ask why.  I don't know how many times I told her I don't want t talk about it, but her motherly guilt own and there I was embarrassed, ashamed and with tears streaming down my face telling my mother over the phone I can't have kids.....we can't have kids.

She pressed on and finally I had enough.  Her response?  We can help pay- I cut her off.  Then Her response of do you know wh-I cut her off.  Followed by "do you want to talk about it"?   Sent a white hot surge of anger.  The she asked if my husband would want to talk about it... Seething frustration.  

The best line of her conversation is that she empathizes with us....

Did she really not realize she is the mother, talking to her CHILD, about not being able to have kids.  

She told me she won't talk about it unless I bring it up.

No worries people.  She told my brother and his wife.  They're not trying to have kids....

Low

Post clomid  devastation > regular devastation

Birthday

Earlier this week was my birthday.  I didn't want it.  No parties, no gifts, nothing. I even took my birthday down on Facebook... Or I at least tried to.

It wasn't a significant birthday, or a number you find on a card, or even the kind of birthday you lie about (like how my mom turns 40 every year for the past many years.). No mile stones were made.

I turned 33.  Which may not sound like a big deal, but when you are trying for a child and watching everyone else have their 2nd, 3rd and even 4th it feels old.  It's 2 years closer to 35 and as we all know, cause we have all seen the chart, 35 is when the fertility rates go down.  

My age feels like the beloved yodel guy game on the price is right.  he ticks up slowly and then when he hits the top (35 years) he falls off and the audience sighs and the person playing the game is crushed... 

Infertility is a heart crusher. 

Icky

Woke up in the early morning feeling like "uck."  The heck?  

Oh! Maybe morning sickness?

Until husband says he's feeling "uck" too.  Hopes dashed.  

Food poisoning you sneaky bastard. 

Answers?

Hydrosalpinx

. Hydrosalpinx?

Possibly Hydrosalpinx

Now read it like you are speaking underwater or in slow warped motion cause that's how I read it when my doctor emailed me on kp.org

Then I did the worst thing ever.  I LOOKED IT UP ON WIKIPEDIA.  Never look things up on wikipedia.  It's not exactly full of hope.

Let me save you the trouble and tears. 

Pray for us.  Emptiness and desolation is haunting. 

We wish we were pregnant. 

Big

Lately I have been consumed with the thought of how it has officially been 3 years of trying for a kiddo with no results.  Consumed.  It's a flood of emotions of fear, frustration, anxiety, and sadness. More like a tsunami. 

Until last night as I  saw the Big Dipper.  

I forgot how small I was.  I just wanted to stop and stare at the stars and clear my head.   I couldn't remember the last time I saw the Big Dipper.

Saving my stress for another day.

Midnight noise

I awoke the other night to a strange clacking/ grinding noise.  As I slowly woke up I tried to asses where the noise was coming from.  I then realized my jaw was moving and I closed my teeth and locked my jaw.  The noise stopped.  

Stress has caused me to grind my teeth apparently at night.  

I grabbed my iPad, found the next and nearest yoga class at the gym, set my alarm and went back to sleep.  

I have never grinded.... Ground?  Grinded...?  My teeth at night before.   Stress is crazy.

The dreaded question!

Recently I was talking with some people while relaxing on vacation about "stuff."  The kind of information that is passed back and forth and kinda glosses over your ears.  Guards are down, all is safe until...

 "So how long have you been married?"

  (Oh God here it comes...). "5 years."  (Move on to the next person please please please).

"Ya?  Are you two planning on having kids?"

 (Just breathe, think of a new song, check the sky for the rapture.... Breathe!) *clear throat* "we were.... We were planning on having kids..." 

  Stillness in the room. 

 "Oh?  Why the pause?"

   (Dang it I paused?  What now?  Oh no, that lump is moving. Tears? Now?  Agh! I'm pausing now!). "Yes... (Shove it down!) it appears we may not be able to. (No saving it now and those tears...AND THAT SOB?  Really?) would you please excuse me, I'm not finished packing."  

 Cue me quickly shuffling my feet to my room, quietly close the door, grab a wash cloth for my hot mess face and SCENE.

No worries.  I collected myself just in time for the friend to come in, apologize (which is silly since she didn't know) and for her to make a sob noise and tell me it must be so hard to be in that situation.  

This may or may not be bigger than I can handle.

Not so pregnant pause

Someone asked me if I stopped blogging because I'm pregnant.  

I tenderly touched my stomach, caressed my middle and smiled sweetly and said

"Damn, I gotta get to the gym".  

What really happened in that quiet moment  was really a command center of crazies finding out they were under attack.  They were yelling out things like "tell her to F off!"  "Be sweet and tell her your waiting!" "make a funny joke!" "Pretend you didn't hear her!" "Change the subject!" "Be a bitch and tell her you can't!" "Pull the God card and tell her to pray for you" "break down in tears!" "Don't cry!" "Stare her down and remind yourself later to delete her number!" 

Apparently the joke station's representative had their Wheaties that morning.

Sick of it

That's right.  I'm sick of it... Actually I'm sick from it.  

A few weeks ago I was down and out with the stomach flu... at least I'm pretty sure it was the stomach flu.  However, I had something similar this weekend...?

The only thing these two have in common is this past week I fretted over all the new testing I had to set up for infertility (and the end of the school year as a teacher) and two weeks ago I did the same thing.  

It gives me knots in my stomach just thinking about it.  

Is it the money?  No.  There is a reason I have extra jobs.  Is it the restrictions?  No, discipline isn't easy, but it's doable.  It might be that I am so freaked to put false hope into this.  And not the kind of false hope like when your mind says "sure sure sure that bathing suit will look super cute on you in the dressing room lighting... especially since you've been working out like a champ for only 2 weeks" or "yah you cut out sugar, but this cookie is to celebrate a birthday and eating this is the only way that kid will know you appreciate them."  It's so much more than all of that.  

Hot dang.  Who needs enemies when you got yourself.   

Proverbs 30:15-16

“There are three things that are never satisfied,

four that never say, ‘Enough!’:

the grave, the barren womb,

land, which is never satisfied with water,

and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’

Hot damn.  Never?

Acupuncture

Taking this baby thing into my own hands

Crazy mode?

I feel as if I have hit the crazy mode in trying to get pregnant.  

So desiring I am to have a little bundle of joy that will draw on my walls, destroy all my furniture and figure that I have been reading the magazines and blogs to modify my diet.  I've cut out dairy, breads, sugars, alcohol (which includes wine and what I consider to be my other daily vitamin), and have stated to cook things called odd names; like "fertility soup."

Someone else told me to gain weight since they think I'm too thin and that will help.  I don't think she was wearing her glasses.  Another person told me to cut out caffeine which made me ready to cut her.  

It has been ridiculously hard.   

Up up and away

I've been keeping all my plates spinning the last few weeks. This season has been busy. Which means I have not done much blogging. Sorry?

I'm up visiting the family and up for my brother's wedding and away from normal life for a week. Oh and celebrating the 5 year anniversary.

But first Mark's wedding. I've been assigned the task of the chalkboard signs. I knew those rally poster sign making skills would come in handy some day!

Badass to break down

Hooray! I get another month of sushi and wine and drinks and mmmmmm soft cheese and wine! And...and... It's another month of sushi...and wine... And disappointment.

Badass to breakdown in 2.5 seconds.

Cheers to a new personal record.

Bigger glass

Planning a friend's baby shower, iPad commenting on a friend's new baby, reading on Facebook about a newlyweds recent pregnancy... All while on the phone making my appointment for infertility. Pouring the wine in a bigger glass tonight.

Lead by example

My husband is convinced that he can train the cats (well, one of two) to pee in the toilet. He told me that the cats just need to watch him do it a few times. I am not convinced.

However, after waking up in the middle of the night to cat throw up noises I am now wondering what else cats can be taught to do in the toilet. If they can learn by example, looks like I have a date with tequila shots.

Bachelors much?

In a conversation about college (and how all my children will be going) we had an impromptu art project of university degrees. I made one for each kid in their area of expertise. One kiddo got their degree in "block building", one in "chalk drawing", and even one in "soccer ball kicking." I wrote "child development" for mine, like my real one.

All good until one child snotty sneezed into his hand...and then WIPED IT on my "degree."

It was then that I realized I'm literally using my degree to clean snotty noses.

You're only 4 once

Kid runs into me on the playground.
Kid "mrs. Wilson, I was trying to take you down"
Me: "literally or figuratively"
Kid: "yes"


Why do I want one of these things again?

Not keeping up

For a brief moment as I sipped my coffee I did that terrible comparison thing... "How come they are preggo and I'm not?"

This morning I wonder why Kim kardashian, who had failed marriages, a sex tape, and is famous for cleaning Paris Hilton's closet gets to be a mom. With that thick head of hair, that bitch has everything...


Then I remembered what she looks like when she's crying.

I felt much better.

basal diet

Every morning when I wake up I have the same routine.  I like to spring out of bed. 

It was really hard to break the routine after I bought the basal thermometer.  Every morning now when I wake up (not the little wake ups in between, or the wake up that happens 30 minutes before I need to wake up cause the cats are throwing up) I take my temperature. 

This ritual is getting old.  It's hard for me to hear the alarm, turn off the alarm while barely moving, slowly get the thermometer, lay in bed, wait for that little chirp and take my temperature.  Heaven forbid I have a crazy dream or can't open my side table.  This morning I was wrapped up in the sheets like a mummy or I must have dreamed I was a cinnamon roll...

This all sounds minuscule  but if there was an emergency, I would get seriously injured.  Why?  Because I would wake up and be taking my temperature and trying to chart it in my phone.  Poor Jon having to explain to people why his wife wasn't under the door frame for safety during the earthquake... she was taking her temperature since we want to have a baby of course.

It's ok honey, after I recover fully I can explain to everyone.  Just tell people I was saving a puppy from the middle of the highway.

Carpe the non mom life

I have taken on a personal quest to celebrate and appreciate life without a child....yet?...ever?...stop before you get sappy.

It's a task that still seems wildly silly and odd.

I started thinking "what's something a preggo/mom cannot do?" Then heard Maury in the background and renamed my task "what's something a good mom, in a healthy mindset, who doesn't have multiple baby daddies (allegedly) and is responsible shouldn't do."

This lead to sushi, soft cheese and wine at a friend's house. Tons of pregnancy free fun!

This also means I can still clean out the cat box... Not tons of pregnancy fun.

Different sense of humor

Today I came to my computer expecting to find many jokes about pregnancy on facebook.

While prophecy is not my usual spiritual gift, it appears God has bestowed it on me today.

My sense of humor is different.  I didn't find it a laugh, I didn't giggle and I'm sure I didn't smirk.  I guess I don't find the creation of life to be a joke since I can't get pregnant.  If my husband could, he would become a seahorse and take the burden away... which would only cause more problems, I'm sure.  

I write this because I have found that no matter how good my prayer life, how hard I plea, beg or cry out (and as a former cheerleader I got lungs) it's just something out of my control and apparently out of reach.  This ickyness of feeling not good enough has sat in my stomach like a pit for far too long.  It needs an outlet. 

 Writing is easier than hitting the gym.  Writing is less time consuming than finding a new hobby.  Writing is cleaner than gardening.  Writing is healthier than knitting outfits for my cats.  

(thanks seych for a little healthy encouragement towards typing.)

74/365

Of course this is what leprechauns eat.

76/365

Irish kiss mimosa

72/365

Green eggs and ham. We did like them Sam-I-am.

Shake much?

Apple for the teacher

Sweet new child brought me an apple today.  So cute!

SEALIONS

Or skate lion?

Mexican train

Game of Mexican train with the family. Best community train ever!

30/365

Retiring the old lanyard.  Sad.

25/365

24/365

Date night

23/365

I ordered earrings... they came in a shoe box...

23/365

22/365

21/365

Jon broke the tape measure.  This is why we can't have nice things.

20/365

Happy birthday celina!

19/365

18/365

Newest preschool project. How tall is a tiny?

17/365

At the end of the day, this furry little panther is a great source of a good laugh

16/365

Cute kid at the library dropped this book in front of me.  How did he know?

15/365

14/365

Made my own coffee cozy

Play date

Look who had a play date with the Barker's cats.  Porter really liked playing with Buckley.

12/365

Team Alex and Roary. It's Alex's last game before she leaves to study abroad. She will be missed.

11/365

Practice is so cold!  But today we finally got the barrel roll!

10/365

Choppy waves and trees dancing wildly.  Windy day in San Diego.

7/365

NCAA baby

9/365

Wilson greeting team

New year new door

New year new door

Christmas is over

Where trees go to die... I mean be recycled.

Rice is nice

One of this weekends projects will be maintaining great teacher status by dyeing rice for ,my preschoolers. Next is putting it into buckets with small cups, straws and little plastic numbers. My real plan is to get their little hands working to develop those fine motors...

Right now it's drying in my backyard.

Mystic mocha

Trying a new (new to me) coffee place and venturing out with a friend

Hat needed

My friend Sara put out an apb on Facebook looking for beanies for a person in her church community whom has cancer. I'll always take another reason to knit.

New apron!

Hmmmm... Which apron to wear today as I bake some oatmeal bars. It's a hard choice when they are so cute... Especially since they were both made by the FABULOUS Sarah Dillon!

Check out her etsy shop called "moose conspiracy."

http://www.etsy.com/shop/MooseConspiracy?ref=search_shop_redirect

National Bloody Mary day

This day is one of my top 5 favorite holidays of the year. It's only fitting that Jon and I celebrate the holiday with his secret recipe. Mmmmmm

365

My goal for the year is to live one picture a day. 365 pictures for the expected whirlwind of 2013.