Plan c?

We tried insemination.     Fail.

We are devastated. 

I had a lot of hope. We had a lot of hope.  

It is February.  We will not be having a child in 2014 either.  

4 digits

As I walked out of the fertility clinic, I realized I had hit the thousand dollar mark.   Passed it actually.  

Feels more like a thousand unlucky lottery tickets.  

Round 2

When clomid didn't work the first time to get us pregnant I was exhausted from the amount of sadness.

Now that it hasn't worked the 2nd time around... I don't know how low it will go.

I don't know what else to bargain with to God, I don't know what else to beg, I can't fall flatter than lying on my face, when it felt like God wasn't hearing me I learned to cry out in a different language, and when last month I ran low on tampons I made sure to buy the costco size box hoping it would be my luck to not need them...

I feel like I just got washed away by the rain.

I think I just went into shock.

Hard to explain

It's really hard to explain to your husband why you don't hang out or see your friends much.  It's really hard to explain to him that when people have kids, usually they kinda drop the non-kid friends for awhile... or longer.
  It makes perfect sense.  You hang out with people that you have things in common with.  Having a kid is such a major event that of course it consumes the new parents and of course they naturally attach with others who are in the same phase and have the same concerns.  It's hard to explain that new parents sometimes feel odd asking non-kid people to hang out because they don't think non-kid people will understand when conversation is stopped for a juice box interruption, or a nursing interruption, or a so-help-me-what-did-you-eat diaper change.
  Especially when your friends know how long you have been trying for kids to no avail.  It's not that your new parent friends are jerks, or ignoring others, it's simply that the new parents are sensitive to others.  Let's be real, do they really have time for anything outside the new baby?
 
 Having to explain to your husband these complex dynamics is really hard and really painful... and draining.

 Life is different as a new parent, or so I've been told.

Open season

Well, it's out there now.  

Like an idiot I posted that "October had been a long month" on my Facebook.   It was.  For MANY reasons.  

My mother called me to ask why.  I don't know how many times I told her I don't want t talk about it, but her motherly guilt own and there I was embarrassed, ashamed and with tears streaming down my face telling my mother over the phone I can't have kids.....we can't have kids.

She pressed on and finally I had enough.  Her response?  We can help pay- I cut her off.  Then Her response of do you know wh-I cut her off.  Followed by "do you want to talk about it"?   Sent a white hot surge of anger.  The she asked if my husband would want to talk about it... Seething frustration.  

The best line of her conversation is that she empathizes with us....

Did she really not realize she is the mother, talking to her CHILD, about not being able to have kids.  

She told me she won't talk about it unless I bring it up.

No worries people.  She told my brother and his wife.  They're not trying to have kids....

Low

Post clomid  devastation > regular devastation

Birthday

Earlier this week was my birthday.  I didn't want it.  No parties, no gifts, nothing. I even took my birthday down on Facebook... Or I at least tried to.

It wasn't a significant birthday, or a number you find on a card, or even the kind of birthday you lie about (like how my mom turns 40 every year for the past many years.). No mile stones were made.

I turned 33.  Which may not sound like a big deal, but when you are trying for a child and watching everyone else have their 2nd, 3rd and even 4th it feels old.  It's 2 years closer to 35 and as we all know, cause we have all seen the chart, 35 is when the fertility rates go down.  

My age feels like the beloved yodel guy game on the price is right.  he ticks up slowly and then when he hits the top (35 years) he falls off and the audience sighs and the person playing the game is crushed... 

Infertility is a heart crusher.