Midnight noise

I awoke the other night to a strange clacking/ grinding noise.  As I slowly woke up I tried to asses where the noise was coming from.  I then realized my jaw was moving and I closed my teeth and locked my jaw.  The noise stopped.  

Stress has caused me to grind my teeth apparently at night.  

I grabbed my iPad, found the next and nearest yoga class at the gym, set my alarm and went back to sleep.  

I have never grinded.... Ground?  Grinded...?  My teeth at night before.   Stress is crazy.

The dreaded question!

Recently I was talking with some people while relaxing on vacation about "stuff."  The kind of information that is passed back and forth and kinda glosses over your ears.  Guards are down, all is safe until...

 "So how long have you been married?"

  (Oh God here it comes...). "5 years."  (Move on to the next person please please please).

"Ya?  Are you two planning on having kids?"

 (Just breathe, think of a new song, check the sky for the rapture.... Breathe!) *clear throat* "we were.... We were planning on having kids..." 

  Stillness in the room. 

 "Oh?  Why the pause?"

   (Dang it I paused?  What now?  Oh no, that lump is moving. Tears? Now?  Agh! I'm pausing now!). "Yes... (Shove it down!) it appears we may not be able to. (No saving it now and those tears...AND THAT SOB?  Really?) would you please excuse me, I'm not finished packing."  

 Cue me quickly shuffling my feet to my room, quietly close the door, grab a wash cloth for my hot mess face and SCENE.

No worries.  I collected myself just in time for the friend to come in, apologize (which is silly since she didn't know) and for her to make a sob noise and tell me it must be so hard to be in that situation.  

This may or may not be bigger than I can handle.

Not so pregnant pause

Someone asked me if I stopped blogging because I'm pregnant.  

I tenderly touched my stomach, caressed my middle and smiled sweetly and said

"Damn, I gotta get to the gym".  

What really happened in that quiet moment  was really a command center of crazies finding out they were under attack.  They were yelling out things like "tell her to F off!"  "Be sweet and tell her your waiting!" "make a funny joke!" "Pretend you didn't hear her!" "Change the subject!" "Be a bitch and tell her you can't!" "Pull the God card and tell her to pray for you" "break down in tears!" "Don't cry!" "Stare her down and remind yourself later to delete her number!" 

Apparently the joke station's representative had their Wheaties that morning.

Sick of it

That's right.  I'm sick of it... Actually I'm sick from it.  

A few weeks ago I was down and out with the stomach flu... at least I'm pretty sure it was the stomach flu.  However, I had something similar this weekend...?

The only thing these two have in common is this past week I fretted over all the new testing I had to set up for infertility (and the end of the school year as a teacher) and two weeks ago I did the same thing.  

It gives me knots in my stomach just thinking about it.  

Is it the money?  No.  There is a reason I have extra jobs.  Is it the restrictions?  No, discipline isn't easy, but it's doable.  It might be that I am so freaked to put false hope into this.  And not the kind of false hope like when your mind says "sure sure sure that bathing suit will look super cute on you in the dressing room lighting... especially since you've been working out like a champ for only 2 weeks" or "yah you cut out sugar, but this cookie is to celebrate a birthday and eating this is the only way that kid will know you appreciate them."  It's so much more than all of that.  

Hot dang.  Who needs enemies when you got yourself.   

Proverbs 30:15-16

“There are three things that are never satisfied,

four that never say, ‘Enough!’:

the grave, the barren womb,

land, which is never satisfied with water,

and fire, which never says, ‘Enough!’

Hot damn.  Never?

Acupuncture

Taking this baby thing into my own hands

Crazy mode?

I feel as if I have hit the crazy mode in trying to get pregnant.  

So desiring I am to have a little bundle of joy that will draw on my walls, destroy all my furniture and figure that I have been reading the magazines and blogs to modify my diet.  I've cut out dairy, breads, sugars, alcohol (which includes wine and what I consider to be my other daily vitamin), and have stated to cook things called odd names; like "fertility soup."

Someone else told me to gain weight since they think I'm too thin and that will help.  I don't think she was wearing her glasses.  Another person told me to cut out caffeine which made me ready to cut her.  

It has been ridiculously hard.