Birthday

Earlier this week was my birthday.  I didn't want it.  No parties, no gifts, nothing. I even took my birthday down on Facebook... Or I at least tried to.

It wasn't a significant birthday, or a number you find on a card, or even the kind of birthday you lie about (like how my mom turns 40 every year for the past many years.). No mile stones were made.

I turned 33.  Which may not sound like a big deal, but when you are trying for a child and watching everyone else have their 2nd, 3rd and even 4th it feels old.  It's 2 years closer to 35 and as we all know, cause we have all seen the chart, 35 is when the fertility rates go down.  

My age feels like the beloved yodel guy game on the price is right.  he ticks up slowly and then when he hits the top (35 years) he falls off and the audience sighs and the person playing the game is crushed... 

Infertility is a heart crusher. 

Icky

Woke up in the early morning feeling like "uck."  The heck?  

Oh! Maybe morning sickness?

Until husband says he's feeling "uck" too.  Hopes dashed.  

Food poisoning you sneaky bastard. 

Answers?

Hydrosalpinx

. Hydrosalpinx?

Possibly Hydrosalpinx

Now read it like you are speaking underwater or in slow warped motion cause that's how I read it when my doctor emailed me on kp.org

Then I did the worst thing ever.  I LOOKED IT UP ON WIKIPEDIA.  Never look things up on wikipedia.  It's not exactly full of hope.

Let me save you the trouble and tears. 

Pray for us.  Emptiness and desolation is haunting. 

We wish we were pregnant. 

Big

Lately I have been consumed with the thought of how it has officially been 3 years of trying for a kiddo with no results.  Consumed.  It's a flood of emotions of fear, frustration, anxiety, and sadness. More like a tsunami. 

Until last night as I  saw the Big Dipper.  

I forgot how small I was.  I just wanted to stop and stare at the stars and clear my head.   I couldn't remember the last time I saw the Big Dipper.

Saving my stress for another day.

Midnight noise

I awoke the other night to a strange clacking/ grinding noise.  As I slowly woke up I tried to asses where the noise was coming from.  I then realized my jaw was moving and I closed my teeth and locked my jaw.  The noise stopped.  

Stress has caused me to grind my teeth apparently at night.  

I grabbed my iPad, found the next and nearest yoga class at the gym, set my alarm and went back to sleep.  

I have never grinded.... Ground?  Grinded...?  My teeth at night before.   Stress is crazy.

The dreaded question!

Recently I was talking with some people while relaxing on vacation about "stuff."  The kind of information that is passed back and forth and kinda glosses over your ears.  Guards are down, all is safe until...

 "So how long have you been married?"

  (Oh God here it comes...). "5 years."  (Move on to the next person please please please).

"Ya?  Are you two planning on having kids?"

 (Just breathe, think of a new song, check the sky for the rapture.... Breathe!) *clear throat* "we were.... We were planning on having kids..." 

  Stillness in the room. 

 "Oh?  Why the pause?"

   (Dang it I paused?  What now?  Oh no, that lump is moving. Tears? Now?  Agh! I'm pausing now!). "Yes... (Shove it down!) it appears we may not be able to. (No saving it now and those tears...AND THAT SOB?  Really?) would you please excuse me, I'm not finished packing."  

 Cue me quickly shuffling my feet to my room, quietly close the door, grab a wash cloth for my hot mess face and SCENE.

No worries.  I collected myself just in time for the friend to come in, apologize (which is silly since she didn't know) and for her to make a sob noise and tell me it must be so hard to be in that situation.  

This may or may not be bigger than I can handle.

Not so pregnant pause

Someone asked me if I stopped blogging because I'm pregnant.  

I tenderly touched my stomach, caressed my middle and smiled sweetly and said

"Damn, I gotta get to the gym".  

What really happened in that quiet moment  was really a command center of crazies finding out they were under attack.  They were yelling out things like "tell her to F off!"  "Be sweet and tell her your waiting!" "make a funny joke!" "Pretend you didn't hear her!" "Change the subject!" "Be a bitch and tell her you can't!" "Pull the God card and tell her to pray for you" "break down in tears!" "Don't cry!" "Stare her down and remind yourself later to delete her number!" 

Apparently the joke station's representative had their Wheaties that morning.