Bruises?

Are they black and blue?   Or white and gold?

Why I love my doctor

He orders labs "stat".  I get to cut in line.  I feel like such a rebel!

Test day

It's test day.

It feels like a final for a 5 unit class.  I did all the prep work and I now just have to stick out my arm, get blood drawn and wait.

Waiting for results is where I get nervous.   No taking the test, but the after.   It's the same as when I was in dance competitions, cheer tryouts, and every judged performance.

I will be turning off my phone upon arriving to work and not tuning it back on until I see my husband at home.   I don't want to know the results.  I do want to know the results.  No, I don't.  Yes....

Anxiety will not change the results.  Whatever the answer will be, is the same as it is.

perhaps a clutch would be better.

What no one tells you about IVF is that the daily shots will make you sore after a few weeks of stabbing injections of pure love progesterone.   They also fail to tell you that the bottom of a standard purse hanging off your shoulder also hits the same height on your body as your said puncture sites and bruises.

You will also forget that the purse hits that spot from time to time, but I can assure you it's a quick reminder when you hurry out of your car.  You will also end up carrying your purse in front of you like a cartoon henchmen smuggling gold coins.

Overwhelm

...and sometimes you will break down and feel like the walls are closing in like an Indiana Jones movie.  The last injection was the straw that...  The tears feel hot and you can't make it stop.

Thank God for my amazing husband.  

"I just need a laugh"

IVF can be daunting.  It can feel heavy and sometimes constricting.  Constricting as a metaphor, not the way your pants feel with the bloating and the soreness from the shots.  So I now find myself saying the words to my husband "I just need a laugh."

Caution, when muttering these words to your husband it may cause him to perform various dance moves or sing what must be remixes to pop songs.  Consider yourself warned.

In those moments I find that Netflix and Hulu plus are great fixes.  My favorite show to turn to is The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.  I find myself laughing out loud at the jokes and the games, and find it to be a great relief from the mental whirlwind of infertility.  

My appreciation for the tonight show deepens knowing that Jimmy Fallon gets the infertility struggle and he gets it from my husband's point of view.  If you didn't know, Jimmy and his wife, Nancy, struggled with infertility for a long time and have 2 adorable little girls.  If you can find the whole interview, it's uplifting and Jimmy speaks hope.  Here is what I found on the today.com webpage:

http://www.today.com/popculture/jimmy-fallon-reveals-awful-5-year-fertility-struggle-6C10904037

Keep hoping and thank you Jimmy Fallon (and of course his lovely wife Nancy.)

Lent much?

What I want to give up for lent:

• Daily shots to the backside
• Bruising
• Anxiety
• Being on the edge of overwhelm

What I actually gave up for lent?

Facebook.  

Congrats to all the new mommies that keep popping up in my feed.  

St Gerard

A coworker lent this to me.   It is St. Gerard, the patron saint for motherhood.  

The prayer for motherhood:
O good Saint Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and wonderworker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid.   Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God's design, helps me to do the holy will of God. Beseech the master of life, from whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring,that I may raise up of children to God in this life and heirs to the kingdom of his glory in the world to come. Amen.

Great uncle?

...Remember that time I told you my husband's 22 year old neice ( the one getting maried in April )  was pregnant and that I found out on instagram from his other niece... all while I was on bed rest from IVF?

No?  I know why ... that was 5 minutes ago.

Legit.

Bed rest

The 48 hours of bed rest have officially begun.   

A good Valium induced nap kills only so much time.  

I am most thankful for my new book to read.

Post implementation

We will name him Valentino...or maybe Valium-tino. 

get support

If you are reading this blog because you are heading to or through IVF, my best tip is to get support.

I avoided support from google groups, because I didn't want to spend more time thinking about my infertility.  There is too much other fun or mentally healthy places to do so.  Plus, sitting and reading is almost impossible with a cuddly, fat cat.

I avoided when people would tell me stories about "someone they know" who went through IVF, it was just one more sad story after another.  Although most ended with a hopeful note, it was still me fighting my inner monologue of "oh my God... someone get me a glass of wine...stop talking... this is depressing...oh my God... remember to nod... do I hug now?..  seriously, make it a big glass...how nice it worked out for them..."  I even had a few people offer to show me pictures of their friend's "miracles."

Aren't all children/ the conception of life, a miracle?  Moving on.

When people told me their own stories or offered up other people's phone numbers to talk to real people, that's when I felt supported.

Unless I specifically told them I don't want to talk about it, and then they continued to do so.  Balloon deflation.

It also helped to come clean.  Exposing my vulnerabilities to my friends and wearing the scarlet I was the best thing I did.  It was not easy.

The most amazing support I had was when friends came to my house and prayed and supported me in this time.  It was AMAZING!  To pray though this time, to hear truth spoken, to be reminded of me (not the me the meds create in my head) and to be washed in the love of Jesus was everything.  Everything.  I have amazing women in my life.  No, none of them have been through IVF, they are all great mommies, and they are amazing.... and they are pretty funny and make great crafts too.

Get support.  Legit support.

3 eggs

As of current, only 3 eggs have survived.

I know, it only takes 1.

... And 1 bucket of hope thrown into the river of tears.

I don't like this algorithm.  

5 eggs

Update. 5 eggs mature and injected per embryology as of 430pm. 

The other 2 didn't mature. They didn't make the varsity team. 

Post retrieval

It was smooth.  10 eggs retrieved. 6 mature.  1 almost mature. 

New favorite things: heating pads, extra strength Tylenol and Hulu plus.

New least favorite things: cramping and laying down all day.

Twas the night before retrieval...

... and all through the house, not a creature was calm, not even my spouse.

I'm anxious.  Nervous.  Cautious.  Hopeful.  Blurred.

Today we celebrated the day "off" from medication, needles and blood work by going out to breakfast and having the forbidden coffee that we are cutting back on.  We live dangerously.

Tomorrow we check in at 6:30 for surgery at 7:30.  The orders are no food or drink after midnight, wear comfy clothes, bring warm socks and a photo ID.  Check.

Tomorrow I will be put under anesthesia and when I come to, there should be lots of viable eggs in my doctor's care.

I'm looking forward to coming home and resting.  I'm not looking forward to taking tylenol and getting a whole new regiment of medications...especially more hormones.  So help us all if there is a sappy Visa commercial on TV.

Batman?

Wish we got the picture.  One of my follicles was an interning shape this morning in my sonogram.  It was shaped like the batman logo

My uterus has sent out the bat signal for this IVF.

Waiting room chat

Santa will be bringing me coal this year. 

When the nervous woman started asking me fertility questions in the waiting room, I pretended I didn't speak English.

Which means I just speak the words to "Jesus loves me" in Romanian.

Do you need me to validate you?

"Just my parking"

Already weary

After giving myself my ganirelix shot this morning I found my positive attitude to be weaning.   This was after I had bloodwork.

It was the moment of thinking "this one hurts... I don't want to keep injecting drugs into my body... my ovaries are sore...I hate having someone else open my classroom...etc..."  I was glad that I was checking out before the receptionist had arrived.  I could feel my smile fading and the injection had given me a reminder to not wear a belt after today. 

I have forgotten that ivf is a marathon not a race.  Infertility is not for the weak. 

Look before you stab

I must admit, when I'm giving myself th e morning injection I am in more of a rush than I am at night.  Which is probably why I didn't notice the bruise I just sent my needle into. Ouch. 

Needles: the word of the day

As I'm sitting in my acupuncture waiting room, I realized today my life revolves around needles.

After my 7:10 am blood work (needle 1), I injected one medication before heading to work. (Needle 2)

I sewed up a ripped puppy around nap time with my handy needle and thread. (Needle 3)

Acupuncture appointment  (many needles)

Tonight two more injections of medications (last 2 needles of the day).

Blood work on super bowl Sunday

Wore my Seahawks sweatshirt on Saturday during my first blood work appointment.  The nurse said "oh! Seahawks.  Who's the other team playing?"  I told her there was no other team.

Showed up on super bowl Sunday and the nurse had this little gem of wrap ready for me.  She is awesome!

GO HAWKS!