Open season

Well, it's out there now.  

Like an idiot I posted that "October had been a long month" on my Facebook.   It was.  For MANY reasons.  

My mother called me to ask why.  I don't know how many times I told her I don't want t talk about it, but her motherly guilt own and there I was embarrassed, ashamed and with tears streaming down my face telling my mother over the phone I can't have kids.....we can't have kids.

She pressed on and finally I had enough.  Her response?  We can help pay- I cut her off.  Then Her response of do you know wh-I cut her off.  Followed by "do you want to talk about it"?   Sent a white hot surge of anger.  The she asked if my husband would want to talk about it... Seething frustration.  

The best line of her conversation is that she empathizes with us....

Did she really not realize she is the mother, talking to her CHILD, about not being able to have kids.  

She told me she won't talk about it unless I bring it up.

No worries people.  She told my brother and his wife.  They're not trying to have kids....

Low

Post clomid  devastation > regular devastation

Birthday

Earlier this week was my birthday.  I didn't want it.  No parties, no gifts, nothing. I even took my birthday down on Facebook... Or I at least tried to.

It wasn't a significant birthday, or a number you find on a card, or even the kind of birthday you lie about (like how my mom turns 40 every year for the past many years.). No mile stones were made.

I turned 33.  Which may not sound like a big deal, but when you are trying for a child and watching everyone else have their 2nd, 3rd and even 4th it feels old.  It's 2 years closer to 35 and as we all know, cause we have all seen the chart, 35 is when the fertility rates go down.  

My age feels like the beloved yodel guy game on the price is right.  he ticks up slowly and then when he hits the top (35 years) he falls off and the audience sighs and the person playing the game is crushed... 

Infertility is a heart crusher. 

Icky

Woke up in the early morning feeling like "uck."  The heck?  

Oh! Maybe morning sickness?

Until husband says he's feeling "uck" too.  Hopes dashed.  

Food poisoning you sneaky bastard. 

Answers?

Hydrosalpinx

. Hydrosalpinx?

Possibly Hydrosalpinx

Now read it like you are speaking underwater or in slow warped motion cause that's how I read it when my doctor emailed me on kp.org

Then I did the worst thing ever.  I LOOKED IT UP ON WIKIPEDIA.  Never look things up on wikipedia.  It's not exactly full of hope.

Let me save you the trouble and tears. 

Pray for us.  Emptiness and desolation is haunting. 

We wish we were pregnant. 

Big

Lately I have been consumed with the thought of how it has officially been 3 years of trying for a kiddo with no results.  Consumed.  It's a flood of emotions of fear, frustration, anxiety, and sadness. More like a tsunami. 

Until last night as I  saw the Big Dipper.  

I forgot how small I was.  I just wanted to stop and stare at the stars and clear my head.   I couldn't remember the last time I saw the Big Dipper.

Saving my stress for another day.

Midnight noise

I awoke the other night to a strange clacking/ grinding noise.  As I slowly woke up I tried to asses where the noise was coming from.  I then realized my jaw was moving and I closed my teeth and locked my jaw.  The noise stopped.  

Stress has caused me to grind my teeth apparently at night.  

I grabbed my iPad, found the next and nearest yoga class at the gym, set my alarm and went back to sleep.  

I have never grinded.... Ground?  Grinded...?  My teeth at night before.   Stress is crazy.