Today I had my appointment with another Wellness Doctor. This clinic promises a blend of western and eastern medicine. This will most likely include acupuncture, acupressure, supplements, herbs and more. This should be interesting.
I arrived a few minutes late for my appointment due to the waze app unable to accurately locate the building. Imagine my surprise (and flash of estrogen anger) when my phone chips "you have arrived at your destination" as I'm driving on the freeway.
Even more of a surprise when I do arrive and I'm not 4 minutes late, I'm 40 minutes late. The lady on the phone last week stated my appointment to be at 9:40, but scheduled me for 9am. Hooray for being squeezed in.
In a quick bit of chatting in a cozy chair I rattled off my vitamin and supplement list, my husband's supplement list (which he doesn't know is about to be longer), my diet restrictions, my recent medications and my "unexplained fertility" diagnosis. The clinic was calm and the doctor was also kind. It was thoughtful of the doctor to state that I "wasn't alone" on this journey... as if it wasn't obvious considering I was sitting in a holistic fertility clinic. Clearly, I'm not alone and this is a good enough business as i notice the name brand shoes.
I told the doctor about my IUI status and how I'm waiting on results of this last IUI, but noted that I felt crampy. I wasn't sure if it was cramps for possible menstrual pain, considering my uterus hasn't felt "normal" for about 2 months now.
The doctor felt my pulse in my wrists and stated that she didn't feel the "strong pregnancy pulse" that she feels for. I felt my face fall and the doctor stated that she didn't know my pulses yet, so it could be different. Oh false hope, how I love and loathe thee.
I was sent away with a packet of paperwork and will return to the doctor next week. This journey is long.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Vacation?
Once a year my husband and I take a journey with friends to the Oregon Coast. It's beautiful. It's relaxing. It's usually filled with booze. mmmmm.
This year was no different, for everyone else. Mine was full of tears, heartache, and mock-tails (virgin cocktails.) we don't know if we are pregnant. read on.
In early July I went in to the Fertility Clinic (the other F-word) for my 3rd IUI. Change that, my husband and I went in for our 3rd IUI. It really is a team sport at this point in the game. We almost didn't make it to the Oregon Coast, but the timing worked out. The vacation fell between the IUI and the pregnancy test time, so my husband and I went on the trip.
We didn't always want to go on the trip. Around February/ March, my husband and I began talking about the upcoming trip and how that would look on the calendar. We realized we were looking at a summer of IUIs and perhaps IVF. While the ideals of a vacation sound relaxing and fun, I knew that timing was the key and we put it on hold with a decision of "no."
Summer crept up and my husband convinced me that it would be a good way to get away (true,) spend time together (true,) and relax (false.) Sometime during that point I went public to ask friends to pray. By public, I mean I posted it on Facebook. June's IUI came and went, unsuccessfully and was awfully depressing. On what must have been a hormone-filled craze I called the doctor for a 3rd IUI for July.
Again, the Facebook post was sent out to again ask people to pray. Messages and emails came in. They were mostly awesome. Fantastic messages like "I will pray," expressions of empathy, or ladies publicly stating they were in my same boat. Some people would state "we had no idea you couldn't conceive..." Really? Really... As if it's a scarlet I that should be on my chest or a bead on a Pandora bracelet that someone overlooked. Perhaps Facebook should add that into their profile settings.
My husband and I flew into Oregon totally great and ready for the weekend. Cut to me silently weeping outside the rental car office while I hear my friend next to me tell her baby about all the other children and moms who will be at the beach. ALL FAMILIES WITH KIDS. The only ladies sans kids besides me were the dogs. Pain ensued.
Coming back home to a quiet (when the black cat is sleeping) home was the real relaxation. There is nothing like the feeling of your own pillow, your own sheets and your own bed.
I'm currently distracting myself from the horrible game of "waiting." Monday will be the day that I can check for pregnancy, but today is calendar day 28. Praying for the pregnancy like a mad woman.
This year was no different, for everyone else. Mine was full of tears, heartache, and mock-tails (virgin cocktails.) we don't know if we are pregnant. read on.
In early July I went in to the Fertility Clinic (the other F-word) for my 3rd IUI. Change that, my husband and I went in for our 3rd IUI. It really is a team sport at this point in the game. We almost didn't make it to the Oregon Coast, but the timing worked out. The vacation fell between the IUI and the pregnancy test time, so my husband and I went on the trip.
We didn't always want to go on the trip. Around February/ March, my husband and I began talking about the upcoming trip and how that would look on the calendar. We realized we were looking at a summer of IUIs and perhaps IVF. While the ideals of a vacation sound relaxing and fun, I knew that timing was the key and we put it on hold with a decision of "no."
Summer crept up and my husband convinced me that it would be a good way to get away (true,) spend time together (true,) and relax (false.) Sometime during that point I went public to ask friends to pray. By public, I mean I posted it on Facebook. June's IUI came and went, unsuccessfully and was awfully depressing. On what must have been a hormone-filled craze I called the doctor for a 3rd IUI for July.
Again, the Facebook post was sent out to again ask people to pray. Messages and emails came in. They were mostly awesome. Fantastic messages like "I will pray," expressions of empathy, or ladies publicly stating they were in my same boat. Some people would state "we had no idea you couldn't conceive..." Really? Really... As if it's a scarlet I that should be on my chest or a bead on a Pandora bracelet that someone overlooked. Perhaps Facebook should add that into their profile settings.
My husband and I flew into Oregon totally great and ready for the weekend. Cut to me silently weeping outside the rental car office while I hear my friend next to me tell her baby about all the other children and moms who will be at the beach. ALL FAMILIES WITH KIDS. The only ladies sans kids besides me were the dogs. Pain ensued.
Coming back home to a quiet (when the black cat is sleeping) home was the real relaxation. There is nothing like the feeling of your own pillow, your own sheets and your own bed.
I'm currently distracting myself from the horrible game of "waiting." Monday will be the day that I can check for pregnancy, but today is calendar day 28. Praying for the pregnancy like a mad woman.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Et tu dad?
The unofficial definition of being trapped: when you call your dad to say happy birthday and he makes you talk about considering IVF.
How the man has waited 364 days from the last time he made me talk about infertility, I will never know. I have a hard time waiting to eat the entire carton of salsa before my husband gets home.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Plan c?
We tried insemination. Fail.
We are devastated.
I had a lot of hope. We had a lot of hope.
It is February. We will not be having a child in 2014 either.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
4 digits
As I walked out of the fertility clinic, I realized I had hit the thousand dollar mark. Passed it actually.
Feels more like a thousand unlucky lottery tickets.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Round 2
When clomid didn't work the first time to get us pregnant I was exhausted from the amount of sadness.
Now that it hasn't worked the 2nd time around... I don't know how low it will go.
I don't know what else to bargain with to God, I don't know what else to beg, I can't fall flatter than lying on my face, when it felt like God wasn't hearing me I learned to cry out in a different language, and when last month I ran low on tampons I made sure to buy the costco size box hoping it would be my luck to not need them...
I feel like I just got washed away by the rain.
I think I just went into shock.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Hard to explain
It's really hard to explain to your husband why you don't hang out or see your friends much. It's really hard to explain to him that when people have kids, usually they kinda drop the non-kid friends for awhile... or longer.
It makes perfect sense. You hang out with people that you have things in common with. Having a kid is such a major event that of course it consumes the new parents and of course they naturally attach with others who are in the same phase and have the same concerns. It's hard to explain that new parents sometimes feel odd asking non-kid people to hang out because they don't think non-kid people will understand when conversation is stopped for a juice box interruption, or a nursing interruption, or a so-help-me-what-did-you-eat diaper change.
Especially when your friends know how long you have been trying for kids to no avail. It's not that your new parent friends are jerks, or ignoring others, it's simply that the new parents are sensitive to others. Let's be real, do they really have time for anything outside the new baby?
Having to explain to your husband these complex dynamics is really hard and really painful... and draining.
Life is different as a new parent, or so I've been told.
It makes perfect sense. You hang out with people that you have things in common with. Having a kid is such a major event that of course it consumes the new parents and of course they naturally attach with others who are in the same phase and have the same concerns. It's hard to explain that new parents sometimes feel odd asking non-kid people to hang out because they don't think non-kid people will understand when conversation is stopped for a juice box interruption, or a nursing interruption, or a so-help-me-what-did-you-eat diaper change.
Especially when your friends know how long you have been trying for kids to no avail. It's not that your new parent friends are jerks, or ignoring others, it's simply that the new parents are sensitive to others. Let's be real, do they really have time for anything outside the new baby?
Having to explain to your husband these complex dynamics is really hard and really painful... and draining.
Life is different as a new parent, or so I've been told.
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